I want you to want me...

Today did not start out well...at all.  It was my first day back at service since I was told that I'm no longer a vocal leader at our church.  This was not because of anything I did or did not do, but rather it was because some people see more promise in a 19-year-old than they do in me.  Granted, I'm sure it's much more complicated than that, but I don't want this entry to go on for days.

Not only have I lost my duties as a leader, but I haven't sung on stage there since February.  All my privileges as a leader have been revoked.  I don't know what's going to happen to the newer singers I brought in, and I don't see any of my ideas coming to fruition.  I have been told that they would like to find a way for me to still use my gifts at that location, but I have no idea what that looks like, or if it's even possible.

This is not the first time something like that has happened to me while attending my church (a multi-site group).  It's the third.  And while each instance has been different, all have succeeded in making me feel the same things.  I'm angry, hurt, and totally confused as to what direction I should be taking.

I have spent years studying and learning and continuing to grow as a teacher and a musician, mainly for the purpose of passing this knowledge on to other people and helping them be the best that they can be.  I've always tried to do this in a way that's not intimidating, because that's not my goal.  I firmly believe that we never stop growing and learning, and because of that I still take a weekly voice lesson.  I am learning new things every week, and I strive to pass that knowledge on to others.  So, herein lies the question: What am I supposed to do with knowledge that no one seems to want?

Back to this morning.  I head into service and sit in the middle, off to the side.  Often when I'm listening to people sing, I'm trying to think of areas of strength, items for improvement, and how I would go about helping each person.  It's what I have been trained to do--I can't help it.

From almost the first note of music, I fought back tears...because I know what to do to help each person on that stage.  In fact, in most cases the problems are an easy fix, something I could easily explain.  But they don't want that right now...they don't want me.  So today, I forced myself to do something I rarely do: I shut myself down.  I did not look at the singers.  I barely listened to them.  Because today, it simply hurt too much to go there.  As the leader was singing "Come alive, come alive, come alive" in the special song, my mind and my spirit were screaming I CAN'T.  How can I come alive when I'm having to shut myself down??  How is this fair?  How is this being my true self?? Why is this being asked of me, again???   

So what can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to you...

I am so confused right now.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  I wish I understood why this is happening again, where I've gone wrong and what message from God I missed.  I wish I could go through life without my guard up so high, that I could walk through my day trusting that those around me will see my value.  I don't feel called to leave this location, as I've felt in the past.  But I also don't think I can just sit there each week and shut myself down from something I feel I was called to do.

The journey continues... 

Interlude

Hello, my dusty blog.  How have you been?
I should probably apologize for leaving you dormant for so long.  I should explain all the reasons I did not sit down and write...but then we would be here all week.  There are simply too many to explain.  Instead, I'm going to shamelessly take advantage of the fact that today is Easter.  Today we celebrate the larger-than-life gift we have been so freely given, and through this gift we receive the blessing of a fresh start. 

The curtain is torn.  The tomb is empty.  We are his.  I'll take it.

Moving on...

Memorable Monday--Happy New Year!!!!

Welcome to 2012!!!  Have you been looking forward to turning the calendar page over to a new year?  I know I am definitely excited to start the new year.  For me, the coming year is going to be filled with some pretty exciting things: my OneWord focus for the year, my brother's getting married, I'm starting my doctorate, both kids in school full-time in September, two family vacations.  I also know that while there's a lot to look forward to, there's going to be a lot of work ahead of me to get to these events the way I want.  I'm really hoping to make this blog an integral part of my journey this year, and I hope you'll follow along!

So, as promised, I wanted to start the year off with a super helping of Memorable Monday goodness.  Here are a few passages to help us start the year off right!

Anne Lamott says,

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.  It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a crappy first draft.  I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die.  The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

The chorus of the song "Walk on the Water," by Britt Nicole:

So what are you waiting for?  What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, trying to hold to you...
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move!
Your faith is all it takes, so you can walk on the water too...

Former Biggest Loser trainer, Jillian Michaels:

Until you feel strong enough to deal with the pain in your life, you're not going to be able to feel the joy either.

Finally, a few quotations to help with the words we picked for 2012.  First, on "peace" from Job 22:

Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.  Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.  If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: if you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust; your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you.  Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God.

And for my good friend, a verse on "believe" from John 14:

Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves.  Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

Here is to a wonderful year ahead!!!

One Voice, One Song, One Word

Sorry for the lack of Memorable Monday these past two weeks.  It will return on New Year's Day, with an extra helping of memorable quotations!!!  Email me at musicalmom725@comcast.net if you have a good idea for this special Memorable Monday.  Do you have a saying, phrase, or quotation that can help us start 2012 off right?? 

For today, though, I've got something else I'd like to share with you: a new approach to that mile-long resolution list.  Maybe you don't do this, but I'm definitely guilty of making a huge list of resolutions.  Most of them, sadly, hit the cutting room floor a week into the new year even though my intentions are good and I desire the described changes. 

A few weeks ago, I met with our campus pastor's wife, Heather, for coffee and a chat.  She led me to the One Word website: www.myoneword.com.  The campaign has been assembled by Mike Ashcraft, leader of Port City Community Church in North Carolina.

Here's the basic premise: Instead of creating the huge resolution list, complete with failures and our guilt over them, pick one word to serve as your focus for the year.  You're not just selecting a word randomly--you're picking a word you feel God has placed in front of you, that you've prayed over, and that you've hopefully examined in the Bible before choosing.

Rest assured, you'll be challenged over your word throughout the year! The website features some great videos and stories of the word that people selected in 2011.  Regardless of what happens during the year, you look at that word differently by the end of the year.

I was really intrigued by the site and its stories, and I decided to take the challenge to select one word for 2012!  And I'm not alone--many of my close friends are signing on, as well as my Friday moms' small group!  I'm so excited to see what happens throughout the year with each of them!!

After some prayer, and a slew of words going through my head, I've decided that my word for the year is peace. I think there are several words that fit under this category for me, but peace was the overriding thought, feeling, and need I felt, and have felt for a long time.  I feel like I live in such chaos most of the time, and I almost crave a feeling of peace.  I'm not at all sure how I'll get to that feeling--I do think it will have to be a work of God...which is kind of the point.

So, are you game??  Check out the website, select a word, and post it here so we can follow and encourage each other!!!

I wish for each of us a happy, healthy, blessed, peaceful new year!!!!

Memorable Monday #2

I actually had a different quotation in mind for today, but when I saw this shared on a friend's Face Book status, I thought this would be a great choice.  As we approach the end of this year and prepare for the next, inevitably resolutions start to rear their ugly heads.  To be truthful, I don't think there's anything wrong with looking to the new year as a fresh start, a chance to do things differently. Believe me, my resolution list will be filled to the brim as usual!  I think this quotation is a good reminder to me, and hopefully to someone else out there, that our resolutions don't always have to be tangible.  We can put down emotional baggage as we head into the new year, and thus make a different kind of "fresh start."

Are you with me??


You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.


Johnny Cash

Deal Me In

Tonight I am sitting in the cafe area of our church, not awaiting my call to stage but instead serving as stage mom. My daughter is part of a dance team called the Shining Lights. They used to serve just as a ministry of our church but they have since branched out and are now part of a not-for-profit group. For the next two weeks they are dancing as part of a Christmas musical our church puts on, called Let it Be Christmas. Come check it out (www.communitychristian.org)!!

While I just love watching my little girl dance (she has a grace about her that can't be taught), it is so much harder to be a stage mom than to actually be on stage yourself! The role of Stage Mom is not one that comes naturally to me, so it takes a lot of thought and organization. If it helps my daughter to better be able to share her gifts, I will survive.

One of the keys to dance, as with music and so many other things, is that you can't do it half-way. You perform with not just your feet or your voice but with your heart and spirit, otherwise it's not as genuine, not as good of an experience for you or the audience. That's one of the things I love about watching my daughter dance--she's all in...and it is beautiful. I tear up every time, and I pray I continue to do so forever.

I used to be very good at putting myself all in, I think...and then life happened. Every setback or perceived failure made me less and less willing to put myself out there. It's too risky, I thought, too scary.

I came to this realization while playing Solitaire on my phone recently. The app I like to use allows you a certain number of cheats each game. You can choose to have the computer find the aces for you, move the cards over a space, shuffle the deck, or undo your last move. Much of the time, if I don't get the cards that I want, or I don't feel the game is going my way, I'll quit and start over, eve though I could have used the cheats and simply tried my hand. I don't take the time to try, to press on with the game and see where the deck falls.

And then, it hit me: If I don't have the patience to follow through and be all in with a computer version of Solitaire, how will I ever be able to be all in with real-life things, scary things with real consequences and outcomes??

Since then I've tried to complete more games of Solitaire than I quit, with the hope that it will translate to my bigger goals. I think it's already had some effect: it's helping me to get my fight back, to press on even when it's tough and I'm not comfortable. Currently I'm sick with bronchitis and laryngitis, which is tanking me on the exercise front. But I'm not giving up. I know that this too will pass, and I'll continue to move forward.

Not with perfection, but with persistence.

Memorable Mondays

I've been trying to come up with some ways for me to remember to get over here and post more often.  As a result of this, I've decided that on Mondays, I will post a quotation, passage, or something of the like that I think others would enjoy as much as I do.  Welcome to Memorable Mondays at The Wholeness Project!

I hope you enjoy these posts, and please feel free to pass them on to friends and family!  Email me some of your favorites and I may share them in a Memorable Monday post here.

Here's today's Memorable Monday passage, from the movie The Princess Diaries:


Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.  The brave may not live forever, but the cautious will not live at all.