So far, in the very short life of my very short blog, I've written about a few of the key issues that I face on a daily basis. I constantly deal with issues resulting from my perfectionism, my need for order and schedule, and my love-hate relationship with numbers. Today's blog topic has been weighing on my mind for a while now, but I have not been able to make myself sit down and write about it. Maybe waiting for the right words, maybe wanting to avoid the topic.
Today, I want to write about some events that took place in my life a few years back, events that have really left me stuck in many ways. I'm now able to start looking at them a little differently, which I will explain as I go on.
My first job after college was as a music teacher in a public school. I held this type of job for four years, at various age levels and locations. When I decided during my fourth year that I needed to leave the profession, it was as I was approaching major burnout. I could never give my students the love for music that I had--so many of them just did not care. It made me cold...and I said that when that happened it was time to leave. Through an amazing act of God, I was connected with a fine arts school that was run as a ministry of a church near me. I fell in love with it, and started working there as a teacher the following year. The longer I worked there, the more I loved it and the farther up in the ranks I moved. I became the assistant director of the school, and I was so excited. I loved what the school was about and what they did--I still do.
Then after a while, things began to change. I faced a great deal of verbal attack from a co-worker who didn't think I was cut out for my job. The autonomy I was told I would have vanished. The ideas I had to change and improve the school were never allowed to come to fruition. I was beside myself. I still loved this place so much, yet I was left with almost daily panic attacks and a powerless feeling every time I went in. I asked for help. I explained that it was too much, that I spent all my time there (at a part-time job) and my family was struggling. I shared my ideas for improvement to no avail.
And finally, begrudgingly, I made the very hardest decision I have ever made...I resigned. I finished the school year, cleared out my desk, and headed for home.
I wish I could say I felt better afterwards....maybe I felt a little better. But sadly, I don't think I'd ever felt like more of a failure in my life. I still do some days, and it's been over a year since I left. I felt like I let my teachers down, like I'd let a lot of people down. I'd thought that some of the people around me believed in me...it ripped me apart to find out that some of them probably hadn't. I'd had all these ideas, and I still believed in the mission so much, yet I didn't feel I could do anything else. I broke down in my exit interview, because I hated leaving while feeling so...unfinished.
I felt lost on a spiritual level as well. I thought I'd heard God tell me that one day I'd even get to be in charge of the whole thing, that I could run it and do great things with it! Had I heard wrong? Was I not listening clearly?? Had I just strutted way out ahead of God, again? The answer? Probably, at least in part. I seem to be quite good at that.
This deep sense of failure has carried with me since then. I think it's left me afraid to really step out and put myself and my abilities out there again. The hurt, anger, sadness, and other emotions from this experience were so deep. I really haven't wanted to get anywhere close to that again. And so, even the things I know I can do are left in doubt: my singing, my teaching, my ability to run anything.
Sadly, the ministry folded at the end of this past school year. As you can guess, that did NOT help my emotional standing at all! I sank down deeper, wondering if I'd have made a difference if I had just stayed and kept working at it. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I know that the answer to that last statement is no, nothing else I could have done would have changed it. Some days, that answer's not enough for me. I'm so sad to see something I loved so much, that I feel I gave everything I had to, just gone.
Not too long ago, I was lifted a bit when I felt God present me with another angle to the situation. Maybe, because God knew how much I loved this ministry, he removed me from the situation in the final year. Maybe, he knew that actually seeing it go down, up close and personal, would have crushed me. Maybe, He was protecting me from that really really deep hurt of being there at the end.
If that's the case...then I can be truly thankful. If that's the case...then I can try to pull myself up out of this failure pit, dust myself off, and know that while I made mistakes, I did the best that I could with what I had. If that's the case...then slowly, I can try to open myself up to what else may be down the road for me. I have a feeling that there are some great things coming. And I hope that when they arrive, I can step out from the shadow of failure and be truly ready to embrace them.
I can learn. I can say goodbye. I can move on. I can succeed. I can...be thankful.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Little Miss Perfect
This post is going to be super short...on purpose.
My perfectionism has held me hostage from my blog this past month. Believe me, I've had several good post ideas. Several!! And did I write about any of them? Nope. Because I was waiting for the perfect.
...time, day, wording. Heck, maybe even the perfect lighting so I'd look super pretty while I poured out my ideas on my laptop!
So, the sole purpose of this post is to remind me of a few key things...
There is no perfect....time, day, wording, lighting, PERSON. The only perfect person was Jesus, and while we're supposed to try and be more like him, to try and be perfect is not realistic.
Remember the title of your blog, Jen. This is about the journey to wholeness, not about writing as you wave down to everyone else if/when you ever get there. It's about the good and the bad, the stops and the starts,and the fact that you're NOT alone. In any of it.
Stop waiting for the perfect. If you do, you'll miss everything else.
So to close, a question or two to ponder: How do I let go of the perfect, and instead pursue the "good enough," the "best effort" I can give?? How can I wrap my brain around that and make that okay??? How can I be at peace with the perfect?
My perfectionism has held me hostage from my blog this past month. Believe me, I've had several good post ideas. Several!! And did I write about any of them? Nope. Because I was waiting for the perfect.
...time, day, wording. Heck, maybe even the perfect lighting so I'd look super pretty while I poured out my ideas on my laptop!
So, the sole purpose of this post is to remind me of a few key things...
There is no perfect....time, day, wording, lighting, PERSON. The only perfect person was Jesus, and while we're supposed to try and be more like him, to try and be perfect is not realistic.
Remember the title of your blog, Jen. This is about the journey to wholeness, not about writing as you wave down to everyone else if/when you ever get there. It's about the good and the bad, the stops and the starts,and the fact that you're NOT alone. In any of it.
Stop waiting for the perfect. If you do, you'll miss everything else.
So to close, a question or two to ponder: How do I let go of the perfect, and instead pursue the "good enough," the "best effort" I can give?? How can I wrap my brain around that and make that okay??? How can I be at peace with the perfect?
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Numbers Don't Lie--Do They?
I read a very interesting article in this month's Real Simple magazine. It was the story of a woman who, for much of her life, liked to count things. While sometimes this trait proved to be a good thing (keeping track of her GPA and semesters on the dean's list), often this habit was her undoing (counting rejection letters and missed classes at the gym). You can read the article here.
This article really made me stop and think for a few reasons. One, I felt a little better about myself because I realized I wasn't the only person who has a tendency to be a bit number-happy. Like the author, this has often been my detriment. I can tell you what I weighed in fourth grade (too much), seventh grade (when I wanted to either succeed or give up), twelfth grade (when it was awesome), most of college, my wedding, and before and after both kids. The fact that I've stopped looking at the numbers (see my previous post) is quite monumental.
But I guess this has also served me well. I can tell you my GPA from grad school (4.0, of which I'm very proud), how many rounds I passed in the CSO chorus audition (2-made it to the final round and was cut), how many years until both kids are in school full-day (1!!). I'd have to say that, on the whole, the number counting and tracking is more harmful than good.
Two, the article gives me hope that numbers can become less prevalent in my life. It is possible! The author does point out, however, that deciding to NOT count is a mind-set, much in the way a decision to stop smoking or drinking would be. You have to decide to stop it, and constantly remind yourself of this decision even when the going is tough and you can find any excuse to change your mind...though I must say it sounds funny. Just "one more cigarette" sounds more serious than "one more set of numbers."
This morning I really wanted to hop up on that scale, so I could either celebrate or berate myself for what flashed back at me. I didn't do it. Yeah, not a real significant victory of any kind...well, maybe it is. Freeing myself from the numbers game could lead to a whole lot more, if I choose to let it.
I'll close this post with a quotation from the article, one that I think will mean some far-reaching effects in my life. Maybe I need to carry this quote on a card, or stitch a sampler, or repeat it to myself often.
Maybe the numbers do lie...
"I no longer judge myself so frequently or harshly. I spend more of my time doing things than reflecting on what I have tackled already or, worse, angsting over what I have not yet done. I’ve relinquished a little control for a little more serenity, which has provided me with a daily emotional payoff."
This article really made me stop and think for a few reasons. One, I felt a little better about myself because I realized I wasn't the only person who has a tendency to be a bit number-happy. Like the author, this has often been my detriment. I can tell you what I weighed in fourth grade (too much), seventh grade (when I wanted to either succeed or give up), twelfth grade (when it was awesome), most of college, my wedding, and before and after both kids. The fact that I've stopped looking at the numbers (see my previous post) is quite monumental.
But I guess this has also served me well. I can tell you my GPA from grad school (4.0, of which I'm very proud), how many rounds I passed in the CSO chorus audition (2-made it to the final round and was cut), how many years until both kids are in school full-day (1!!). I'd have to say that, on the whole, the number counting and tracking is more harmful than good.
Two, the article gives me hope that numbers can become less prevalent in my life. It is possible! The author does point out, however, that deciding to NOT count is a mind-set, much in the way a decision to stop smoking or drinking would be. You have to decide to stop it, and constantly remind yourself of this decision even when the going is tough and you can find any excuse to change your mind...though I must say it sounds funny. Just "one more cigarette" sounds more serious than "one more set of numbers."
This morning I really wanted to hop up on that scale, so I could either celebrate or berate myself for what flashed back at me. I didn't do it. Yeah, not a real significant victory of any kind...well, maybe it is. Freeing myself from the numbers game could lead to a whole lot more, if I choose to let it.
I'll close this post with a quotation from the article, one that I think will mean some far-reaching effects in my life. Maybe I need to carry this quote on a card, or stitch a sampler, or repeat it to myself often.
Maybe the numbers do lie...
"I no longer judge myself so frequently or harshly. I spend more of my time doing things than reflecting on what I have tackled already or, worse, angsting over what I have not yet done. I’ve relinquished a little control for a little more serenity, which has provided me with a daily emotional payoff."
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Remedy
Chapter Nine of the book "So Long, Insecurity" consists of a prayer guide, so that you can come before God (I actually found Beth's reading very helpful), lay down the issues of insecurity, and ask Him to take them away, to "make a miracle" out of you.
Today, August 3rd 2011, I did just that. I asked God to break the chains from me, to destroy this legacy of insecurity, and to bring healing to me, my daughter, my family.
It was not easy. It's probably something I'll have to replay often throughout this journey. And it wasn't without tears (be careful if you're still in the car at this point). This is an issue I've dealt with since I was very little...so there'll be a lot of baggage I have to unpack and ship out.
I have decided a few things for myself at this point. First, I'm going to stop trying to lose weight...at least, in the manner that I've tried to for years and years. I've had periods of success with this, only to fall back beyond my starting point, and I've always wondered why. Today, I realize that the weight issues I face are a side effect of my bigger issues with insecurity. So, I will continue to try and eat healthy and get my body moving. But I will not obsess over my numbers. If I feel my clothes loosening, I will step on the scale to see what's happening. But I am not a number, and I must stop obsessing over them.
Second, I'm going to enlist the help of people around me that I trust to help me identify those moments where my insecurity and perfectionism (another form of insecurity) rear their ugly, unwelcome heads. I need to spot these moments coming and start to replace the lies I've believed for so long with the truth of who I really am and what I'm meant to be.
Third, as my husband tells me often, I'm going to try and leave my comfort zone more often. Sometimes this isn't such a bad thing, and sometimes it's the hardest task ever. Telling the girl who hates calling for pizza to step out and invite myself into conversations is mind-boggling. What if I sound dumb? What if they don't like me? Argh...step out, step out, step out.
I'd like to ask you for your thoughts/prayers on this journey, if you're willing. The fact that I'm even writing this words and putting them out there to the world is a huge step for me. I know this will be extremely hard...but I want to find some wholeness, some healing. Not just for me, but for my mother and grandmother before me and my daughter after me. Let's leave a better legacy than this...
Today, August 3rd 2011, I did just that. I asked God to break the chains from me, to destroy this legacy of insecurity, and to bring healing to me, my daughter, my family.
It was not easy. It's probably something I'll have to replay often throughout this journey. And it wasn't without tears (be careful if you're still in the car at this point). This is an issue I've dealt with since I was very little...so there'll be a lot of baggage I have to unpack and ship out.
I have decided a few things for myself at this point. First, I'm going to stop trying to lose weight...at least, in the manner that I've tried to for years and years. I've had periods of success with this, only to fall back beyond my starting point, and I've always wondered why. Today, I realize that the weight issues I face are a side effect of my bigger issues with insecurity. So, I will continue to try and eat healthy and get my body moving. But I will not obsess over my numbers. If I feel my clothes loosening, I will step on the scale to see what's happening. But I am not a number, and I must stop obsessing over them.
Second, I'm going to enlist the help of people around me that I trust to help me identify those moments where my insecurity and perfectionism (another form of insecurity) rear their ugly, unwelcome heads. I need to spot these moments coming and start to replace the lies I've believed for so long with the truth of who I really am and what I'm meant to be.
Third, as my husband tells me often, I'm going to try and leave my comfort zone more often. Sometimes this isn't such a bad thing, and sometimes it's the hardest task ever. Telling the girl who hates calling for pizza to step out and invite myself into conversations is mind-boggling. What if I sound dumb? What if they don't like me? Argh...step out, step out, step out.
I'd like to ask you for your thoughts/prayers on this journey, if you're willing. The fact that I'm even writing this words and putting them out there to the world is a huge step for me. I know this will be extremely hard...but I want to find some wholeness, some healing. Not just for me, but for my mother and grandmother before me and my daughter after me. Let's leave a better legacy than this...
The Heart of the Matter
I had a major epiphany today, and it happened in the same spot where many of my revelations occur--in my car.
Francesca (aka Fran the Third) is my 2002 Toyota Camry. She shakes when you ride about 70 on the highway, but she gets me where I need to go. As much as I would love to get a newer car sometime soon, her and I have a thing. We work well together. She's really become my think tank, some days the only quiet and solitude I'm bound to get so I do not take that time lightly.
Today I was driving to Chicago bright and early for my weekly voice lesson. Yes, many days I complain about the traffic or the mileage, but I am truly blessed to have the teacher I have. With the amazing help of Dr. Ron Combs and his partner Dan Kane, my voice has grown almost a full octave since I started study in 2003. I almost always leave my lesson feeling refreshed and energized, as if my purpose has been renewed.
This week, however, the epiphany I'm talking about came before I even reached his house. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been listening to the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I've really gotten a lot out of the entire read...but today took this to a whole new level. I reached Chapter 8 as I drove onto Lake Shore Drive from the Stevenson...and that's when it hit me. It didn't come as the aha moment, that metaphysical "click" I'd been looking for at this point in my journey. It came more like a thud, a weight in my stomach, a stark realization of the reality I'd created for myself. Just as powerful, yet far more serious than any "click" I could experience.
Are you ready for it? Here it is:
Everything I do, everything I have done, and everything I am up to this point in my life is marred by my crippling insecurity. What I've managed to achieve, what I've failed to achieve, what I strive to be is all splotched by it. And, even worse yet, this legacy that I've sworn to try and break is already being passed on...before my very eyes.
This left me stunned and speechless. I'm still trying to really wrap my head around it. It's that serious.
Many people who've met me, or have seen me sing on stage or at church, would never guess that I am as insecure as I am. That's the case for a few reasons: one, I've become excellent at hiding it...at least I think so. I'm a pretty decent actress, after all. It's something I haven't wanted anyone to discover. Two, my singing is one of the few things in my life where I feel I've got some talent and ability...so I don't stress as much over it, and I allow myself to be a different, more expressive person on stage because I'm not as afraid of failure.
Note, I used the phrase "as much." Any singer will tell you that we are our own worst critics, and I'm exceptionally good at that too! I will obsess over a missed note, botched phrase, poorly taken breath or badly positioned register change. For as hard as I may be on my students, I am ten times harder on myself, and that's being generous.
I feel like I've been looking for answers for a long time, solutions for my weight issues, for why I'm stuck vocally, for the state of our house and family and marriage. I've been looking for an aha, a "click" that would just make sense and would fix everything. The fact that the epiphany did not come in that form leaves me even more stunned. But it's the answer God set out for me to find.
I've been given a legacy of insecurity, and I can and must find a way to break free from it. It's kept me from pursuing my goals. From truly investing myself in relationships and friendships. From thinking I deserve better. From fully using the gifts God's bestowed. From taking proper care of myself.
Instead I've hidden myself behind layers and layers of weight, piles of stuff, walls of silence. And it's not come without consequences for those around me. When my daughter tearfully told me she was afraid that no one would like her or want to play with her, the harsh bite of my selfishness really hit home.
God, what am I doing???
Francesca (aka Fran the Third) is my 2002 Toyota Camry. She shakes when you ride about 70 on the highway, but she gets me where I need to go. As much as I would love to get a newer car sometime soon, her and I have a thing. We work well together. She's really become my think tank, some days the only quiet and solitude I'm bound to get so I do not take that time lightly.
Today I was driving to Chicago bright and early for my weekly voice lesson. Yes, many days I complain about the traffic or the mileage, but I am truly blessed to have the teacher I have. With the amazing help of Dr. Ron Combs and his partner Dan Kane, my voice has grown almost a full octave since I started study in 2003. I almost always leave my lesson feeling refreshed and energized, as if my purpose has been renewed.
This week, however, the epiphany I'm talking about came before I even reached his house. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been listening to the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I've really gotten a lot out of the entire read...but today took this to a whole new level. I reached Chapter 8 as I drove onto Lake Shore Drive from the Stevenson...and that's when it hit me. It didn't come as the aha moment, that metaphysical "click" I'd been looking for at this point in my journey. It came more like a thud, a weight in my stomach, a stark realization of the reality I'd created for myself. Just as powerful, yet far more serious than any "click" I could experience.
Are you ready for it? Here it is:
Everything I do, everything I have done, and everything I am up to this point in my life is marred by my crippling insecurity. What I've managed to achieve, what I've failed to achieve, what I strive to be is all splotched by it. And, even worse yet, this legacy that I've sworn to try and break is already being passed on...before my very eyes.
This left me stunned and speechless. I'm still trying to really wrap my head around it. It's that serious.
Many people who've met me, or have seen me sing on stage or at church, would never guess that I am as insecure as I am. That's the case for a few reasons: one, I've become excellent at hiding it...at least I think so. I'm a pretty decent actress, after all. It's something I haven't wanted anyone to discover. Two, my singing is one of the few things in my life where I feel I've got some talent and ability...so I don't stress as much over it, and I allow myself to be a different, more expressive person on stage because I'm not as afraid of failure.
Note, I used the phrase "as much." Any singer will tell you that we are our own worst critics, and I'm exceptionally good at that too! I will obsess over a missed note, botched phrase, poorly taken breath or badly positioned register change. For as hard as I may be on my students, I am ten times harder on myself, and that's being generous.
I feel like I've been looking for answers for a long time, solutions for my weight issues, for why I'm stuck vocally, for the state of our house and family and marriage. I've been looking for an aha, a "click" that would just make sense and would fix everything. The fact that the epiphany did not come in that form leaves me even more stunned. But it's the answer God set out for me to find.
I've been given a legacy of insecurity, and I can and must find a way to break free from it. It's kept me from pursuing my goals. From truly investing myself in relationships and friendships. From thinking I deserve better. From fully using the gifts God's bestowed. From taking proper care of myself.
Instead I've hidden myself behind layers and layers of weight, piles of stuff, walls of silence. And it's not come without consequences for those around me. When my daughter tearfully told me she was afraid that no one would like her or want to play with her, the harsh bite of my selfishness really hit home.
God, what am I doing???
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Take a look, it's in a book...
I realize it's been way too long since I've written a new entry. In my mind, I keep waiting for the perfect opportunity to sit down and write something. Ha, what a joke. Too bad I haven't totally (or rather, at all) convinced the perfectionist in me that perfection isn't possible. I think life would be a whole lost easier if I could get that through my thick skull.
I'm in my car a lot, what with an hour drive each way to my voice lesson and 40 minutes each way for the kids' therapy sessions. When I can manage to escape the kids' tunes, I really enjoy listening to books on CD (yes, in my mind it's books on tape!). Yesterday, I started listening to "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Friends, I believe this book should become standard issue to women everywhere...or at least, women who are anything like me. While Beth's charismatic reading definitely enhanced the book (I'm serious), the message of it would have hit me like a ton of bricks even if Ben Stein had been reading.
So many things stuck out at me like sore, red thumbs as I listened, but I think the main idea came just as I was pulling in to my driveway. I had to back up the disc several times so I wouldn't forget it, and I'd like to paraphrase it (with all due credit given to Ms. Moore) for you here. Here goes...
In our lives, very much like the apostle Paul from the Bible, the fiercest enemy we have to fight in the fulfillment of our destiny is ourselves. We can become so insecure, so afraid of failure, so covetous of another person who "seems" to have what we lack, that we will never achieve what God has lined up for us. In fact, by doing these things, it's almost like we are saying that we don't trust God. We don't trust that he knew what he was doing when he gave us certain attributes or opportunities, because we're not good enough to pursue them (think Moses balking off public speech). Our insecurity is robbing us blind...and we're letting it happen.
...I know. Are you hurting like I've been hurting since hearing all this? The worst part, for me? Sadly, there is so much truth in these words. So, here now is a chance to work the Emotional side of my wholeness wheel...which, if you ask me, already sees much too much air time in my life. I'm a highly emotional person, a people pleaser. If I even perceive that I've offended someone, if it's even a remote possibility, I focus on it. I can't make decisions some days to save my life, leaving me overwhelmed and stuck like super glue to the floor, unable to progress in any direction. And I cry, a lot. I cry at stupid stuff, and I hate that I'm doing it! And even worse, I'm an ugly crier!! You know what I mean--some people can look so dramatic when they cry. Oh no, not this girl! Red-faced, blotchy-eyed, tight grimaced expressions accompany me on my sob-fests. Well, according to Moore's book so far, these qualities are all part of being insecure with myself. It made way too much sense.
And I've also discovered (as if this weren't enough), that I've got a few hot-button topics, areas where I feel like I'd become more secure if they were fixed or eliminated. Let's see if you can relate: my two hot-button spots are my weight and order/organization. The first has always been a factor for me, because I could see both in my peers and in my own family that having a weight issue made me different and less desirable as a person. In this arena, I wish for two things: I wish I could drop all of the extra weight (which I am working on, ever so slowly), and I wish I could love myself for the person I am inside, unconditionally, here and now. I wish my weight did not define me. I wish it didn't bother me so. I wish I could go through a day and not worry that everyone else is judging me because of it.
The second issue, though different, messes with my head on the same levels as my weight. I'm a very visual person, and when my surroundings are in chaos, then my body and spirit follow suit. It makes me tired, sad, mad, angry, you name it. Right now, I'm trying to arrange our family's fall schedule, and the pieces I try to stand up just keep falling down around me. It's a total mess, and it's got me in shut-down mode. Some tell me to get a grip. Boy, I wish I could.
I used to love going to Amy's house for small group. She seemed to be so together, at least in my hot-point areas. She was in great shape, dresses really well, and her house was immaculate. I mean shiny clean!! Now I know that she faces challenges, as we all do, but she was so successful in those areas where I struggle so much. It was so hard for me not to see those things, not to wish I could figure out her secret. Well, I did figure it out: the secret is that those weren't her hot-point areas. Those things weren't her challenges. Simple, huh?
I'm probably going to post more as I continue through the book. I'm really glad I picked it up, and I pray that I can unlock these chains of insecurity. After all, I know that God has some great things in store for me. I need to be ready and prepared to go after them!!
I'm in my car a lot, what with an hour drive each way to my voice lesson and 40 minutes each way for the kids' therapy sessions. When I can manage to escape the kids' tunes, I really enjoy listening to books on CD (yes, in my mind it's books on tape!). Yesterday, I started listening to "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Friends, I believe this book should become standard issue to women everywhere...or at least, women who are anything like me. While Beth's charismatic reading definitely enhanced the book (I'm serious), the message of it would have hit me like a ton of bricks even if Ben Stein had been reading.
So many things stuck out at me like sore, red thumbs as I listened, but I think the main idea came just as I was pulling in to my driveway. I had to back up the disc several times so I wouldn't forget it, and I'd like to paraphrase it (with all due credit given to Ms. Moore) for you here. Here goes...
In our lives, very much like the apostle Paul from the Bible, the fiercest enemy we have to fight in the fulfillment of our destiny is ourselves. We can become so insecure, so afraid of failure, so covetous of another person who "seems" to have what we lack, that we will never achieve what God has lined up for us. In fact, by doing these things, it's almost like we are saying that we don't trust God. We don't trust that he knew what he was doing when he gave us certain attributes or opportunities, because we're not good enough to pursue them (think Moses balking off public speech). Our insecurity is robbing us blind...and we're letting it happen.
...I know. Are you hurting like I've been hurting since hearing all this? The worst part, for me? Sadly, there is so much truth in these words. So, here now is a chance to work the Emotional side of my wholeness wheel...which, if you ask me, already sees much too much air time in my life. I'm a highly emotional person, a people pleaser. If I even perceive that I've offended someone, if it's even a remote possibility, I focus on it. I can't make decisions some days to save my life, leaving me overwhelmed and stuck like super glue to the floor, unable to progress in any direction. And I cry, a lot. I cry at stupid stuff, and I hate that I'm doing it! And even worse, I'm an ugly crier!! You know what I mean--some people can look so dramatic when they cry. Oh no, not this girl! Red-faced, blotchy-eyed, tight grimaced expressions accompany me on my sob-fests. Well, according to Moore's book so far, these qualities are all part of being insecure with myself. It made way too much sense.
And I've also discovered (as if this weren't enough), that I've got a few hot-button topics, areas where I feel like I'd become more secure if they were fixed or eliminated. Let's see if you can relate: my two hot-button spots are my weight and order/organization. The first has always been a factor for me, because I could see both in my peers and in my own family that having a weight issue made me different and less desirable as a person. In this arena, I wish for two things: I wish I could drop all of the extra weight (which I am working on, ever so slowly), and I wish I could love myself for the person I am inside, unconditionally, here and now. I wish my weight did not define me. I wish it didn't bother me so. I wish I could go through a day and not worry that everyone else is judging me because of it.
The second issue, though different, messes with my head on the same levels as my weight. I'm a very visual person, and when my surroundings are in chaos, then my body and spirit follow suit. It makes me tired, sad, mad, angry, you name it. Right now, I'm trying to arrange our family's fall schedule, and the pieces I try to stand up just keep falling down around me. It's a total mess, and it's got me in shut-down mode. Some tell me to get a grip. Boy, I wish I could.
I used to love going to Amy's house for small group. She seemed to be so together, at least in my hot-point areas. She was in great shape, dresses really well, and her house was immaculate. I mean shiny clean!! Now I know that she faces challenges, as we all do, but she was so successful in those areas where I struggle so much. It was so hard for me not to see those things, not to wish I could figure out her secret. Well, I did figure it out: the secret is that those weren't her hot-point areas. Those things weren't her challenges. Simple, huh?
I'm probably going to post more as I continue through the book. I'm really glad I picked it up, and I pray that I can unlock these chains of insecurity. After all, I know that God has some great things in store for me. I need to be ready and prepared to go after them!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Pennies From Heaven
Argh--I'm still learning my way around this blog, and I haven't figured out how to reply to comments. I know...please don't laugh too loud. So here's a reply for Princess: Thanks for posting! I will have to use that at the next boot camp, which thankfully isn't until NEXT Saturday. By then I might get my courage back! LOL
Back to our regular programming...
July is Birthday Month for my two kids. Today is my son Aiden's fifth birthday (LOVE YOU BUD!!), and my daughter Becca will turn 8 on the 25th. It's always a crazy time that we're never quite prepared for, and this year has proved to be no exception.
Becca decided that she wanted to get a bike for her birthday. This irked us a bit, as she already has a decent one that just needs some repair. After chatting a bit, my husband and I decided to make this a "learning experience" for her by having her raise/earn the money for the new bike herself. Then, we will fix up the other one and donate it so another child can have a nice bike. We went to the store today to figure out which bike she wanted and how much she'd need to save, and we figured that with a helmet and tax she'd need to earn about $100. She had a little drama attack (she's exceptionally good at those) and said that it would take YEARS to raise that much. Well, with her birthday money, and any money should could save from odd jobs and allowance, it really won't take her long at all. She got so excited and started doing extra chores this afternoon. Hey, I could get used to this!
Fast forward a few hours, when we went back to the store to get items for Aiden's selected birthday dinner. I had brought Becca with to help, which is either hugely successful or a huge bomb. As we were standing in the check-out, Becca spotted a beef jerky and a bag of trail mix, each costing $1.00. Well, she just HAD to have them! She threw both items on the belt. She asked if I could buy them and she'd pay me from her bike money when we got home. Well, naturally I said no. You'll never raise the money for your bike at this rate, I noted.
This was not going to cut the mustard in her mind. I lost count of the number of times she asked, pleaded, cajoled, and whined during the visit...but I think a hundred is in the right ball park. Add to this the HUGE lines at WalMart, the two phone calls I got while in line, and trying to make sure I paid with the right card, and you've got a very upset Mom!!! Finally, I asked the cashier to remove the items from the belt (this got her HACKED), we finished up, and Becca and I sat on a bench to talk.
I was so angry and frustrated at the scene I felt she'd caused. Over and over, I tried to explain why she couldn't spend the money on these little items when she was trying to save for a bigger prize down the road. I couldn't understand why she'd become so fixated on these little things, things that would be gone in a matter of minutes. And then it hit me, the little voice that I'd tried so hard to block out had knocked down a door in my mind in order to be heard.
"Why should she listen to you, when you do this to yourself all the time??" OUCH.
And what could I say to that? Why was it okay for me to sabotage my long-term goal (which so happens to be about 100 pounds) for a few items I had fixed my attention to, items that would not benefit me in the least, items that would be gone in a matter of minutes? Why was I so easily able to rationalize skipping a workout or indulging in a treat instead of working harder towards this goal of losing weight and feeling better physically?
Mentally, I answered back the way I feel any other mature adult would...because!!!! That's why!!! Add the very mature eye roll here. Or later, and more accurately, I acknowledged....I don't know. Both are answers that my kids use frequently. Both seem to make perfect sense to them. I didn't fully get it, until this afternoon.
I realized that my habits and actions do not just affect me...my kids are watching. I knew they were...I just didn't think they were watching as closely as they truly are. And they don't even realize it...and that worries me. And that inspires me to want to change.
And it got me to thinking: for a long time, I've felt like I have to hide my weight issue. Maybe if I conceal it and don't talk too much about it, maybe people won't notice. Maybe it won't be there. But if my kids can so easily pick up on little habits and tendencies that I've worked to hide away...then maybe this weight issue is more obvious to everyone around me than I could ever have imagined. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I guess it's along the lines of saying, "I never knew I was that big," when you were probably in that spot for quite a long time and kept trying to hide it. Well now I've reached a point where I really have no choice but to deal with it, to talk about it, to seek out some help. And maybe that's okay.
I promise that this whole blog won't be about this Physical Well-Being wrung of the wheel--there's a whole lot more to it than that. This part, however, seems to need to most attention...even though I'm learning that is rarely operates alone. By starting here, I can hopefully start to build equity in each of the areas I'm lacking...and that is definitely, definitely something worth saving up for.
Back to our regular programming...
July is Birthday Month for my two kids. Today is my son Aiden's fifth birthday (LOVE YOU BUD!!), and my daughter Becca will turn 8 on the 25th. It's always a crazy time that we're never quite prepared for, and this year has proved to be no exception.
Becca decided that she wanted to get a bike for her birthday. This irked us a bit, as she already has a decent one that just needs some repair. After chatting a bit, my husband and I decided to make this a "learning experience" for her by having her raise/earn the money for the new bike herself. Then, we will fix up the other one and donate it so another child can have a nice bike. We went to the store today to figure out which bike she wanted and how much she'd need to save, and we figured that with a helmet and tax she'd need to earn about $100. She had a little drama attack (she's exceptionally good at those) and said that it would take YEARS to raise that much. Well, with her birthday money, and any money should could save from odd jobs and allowance, it really won't take her long at all. She got so excited and started doing extra chores this afternoon. Hey, I could get used to this!
Fast forward a few hours, when we went back to the store to get items for Aiden's selected birthday dinner. I had brought Becca with to help, which is either hugely successful or a huge bomb. As we were standing in the check-out, Becca spotted a beef jerky and a bag of trail mix, each costing $1.00. Well, she just HAD to have them! She threw both items on the belt. She asked if I could buy them and she'd pay me from her bike money when we got home. Well, naturally I said no. You'll never raise the money for your bike at this rate, I noted.
This was not going to cut the mustard in her mind. I lost count of the number of times she asked, pleaded, cajoled, and whined during the visit...but I think a hundred is in the right ball park. Add to this the HUGE lines at WalMart, the two phone calls I got while in line, and trying to make sure I paid with the right card, and you've got a very upset Mom!!! Finally, I asked the cashier to remove the items from the belt (this got her HACKED), we finished up, and Becca and I sat on a bench to talk.
I was so angry and frustrated at the scene I felt she'd caused. Over and over, I tried to explain why she couldn't spend the money on these little items when she was trying to save for a bigger prize down the road. I couldn't understand why she'd become so fixated on these little things, things that would be gone in a matter of minutes. And then it hit me, the little voice that I'd tried so hard to block out had knocked down a door in my mind in order to be heard.
"Why should she listen to you, when you do this to yourself all the time??" OUCH.
And what could I say to that? Why was it okay for me to sabotage my long-term goal (which so happens to be about 100 pounds) for a few items I had fixed my attention to, items that would not benefit me in the least, items that would be gone in a matter of minutes? Why was I so easily able to rationalize skipping a workout or indulging in a treat instead of working harder towards this goal of losing weight and feeling better physically?
Mentally, I answered back the way I feel any other mature adult would...because!!!! That's why!!! Add the very mature eye roll here. Or later, and more accurately, I acknowledged....I don't know. Both are answers that my kids use frequently. Both seem to make perfect sense to them. I didn't fully get it, until this afternoon.
I realized that my habits and actions do not just affect me...my kids are watching. I knew they were...I just didn't think they were watching as closely as they truly are. And they don't even realize it...and that worries me. And that inspires me to want to change.
And it got me to thinking: for a long time, I've felt like I have to hide my weight issue. Maybe if I conceal it and don't talk too much about it, maybe people won't notice. Maybe it won't be there. But if my kids can so easily pick up on little habits and tendencies that I've worked to hide away...then maybe this weight issue is more obvious to everyone around me than I could ever have imagined. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I guess it's along the lines of saying, "I never knew I was that big," when you were probably in that spot for quite a long time and kept trying to hide it. Well now I've reached a point where I really have no choice but to deal with it, to talk about it, to seek out some help. And maybe that's okay.
I promise that this whole blog won't be about this Physical Well-Being wrung of the wheel--there's a whole lot more to it than that. This part, however, seems to need to most attention...even though I'm learning that is rarely operates alone. By starting here, I can hopefully start to build equity in each of the areas I'm lacking...and that is definitely, definitely something worth saving up for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)