So far, in the very short life of my very short blog, I've written about a few of the key issues that I face on a daily basis. I constantly deal with issues resulting from my perfectionism, my need for order and schedule, and my love-hate relationship with numbers. Today's blog topic has been weighing on my mind for a while now, but I have not been able to make myself sit down and write about it. Maybe waiting for the right words, maybe wanting to avoid the topic.
Today, I want to write about some events that took place in my life a few years back, events that have really left me stuck in many ways. I'm now able to start looking at them a little differently, which I will explain as I go on.
My first job after college was as a music teacher in a public school. I held this type of job for four years, at various age levels and locations. When I decided during my fourth year that I needed to leave the profession, it was as I was approaching major burnout. I could never give my students the love for music that I had--so many of them just did not care. It made me cold...and I said that when that happened it was time to leave. Through an amazing act of God, I was connected with a fine arts school that was run as a ministry of a church near me. I fell in love with it, and started working there as a teacher the following year. The longer I worked there, the more I loved it and the farther up in the ranks I moved. I became the assistant director of the school, and I was so excited. I loved what the school was about and what they did--I still do.
Then after a while, things began to change. I faced a great deal of verbal attack from a co-worker who didn't think I was cut out for my job. The autonomy I was told I would have vanished. The ideas I had to change and improve the school were never allowed to come to fruition. I was beside myself. I still loved this place so much, yet I was left with almost daily panic attacks and a powerless feeling every time I went in. I asked for help. I explained that it was too much, that I spent all my time there (at a part-time job) and my family was struggling. I shared my ideas for improvement to no avail.
And finally, begrudgingly, I made the very hardest decision I have ever made...I resigned. I finished the school year, cleared out my desk, and headed for home.
I wish I could say I felt better afterwards....maybe I felt a little better. But sadly, I don't think I'd ever felt like more of a failure in my life. I still do some days, and it's been over a year since I left. I felt like I let my teachers down, like I'd let a lot of people down. I'd thought that some of the people around me believed in me...it ripped me apart to find out that some of them probably hadn't. I'd had all these ideas, and I still believed in the mission so much, yet I didn't feel I could do anything else. I broke down in my exit interview, because I hated leaving while feeling so...unfinished.
I felt lost on a spiritual level as well. I thought I'd heard God tell me that one day I'd even get to be in charge of the whole thing, that I could run it and do great things with it! Had I heard wrong? Was I not listening clearly?? Had I just strutted way out ahead of God, again? The answer? Probably, at least in part. I seem to be quite good at that.
This deep sense of failure has carried with me since then. I think it's left me afraid to really step out and put myself and my abilities out there again. The hurt, anger, sadness, and other emotions from this experience were so deep. I really haven't wanted to get anywhere close to that again. And so, even the things I know I can do are left in doubt: my singing, my teaching, my ability to run anything.
Sadly, the ministry folded at the end of this past school year. As you can guess, that did NOT help my emotional standing at all! I sank down deeper, wondering if I'd have made a difference if I had just stayed and kept working at it. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I know that the answer to that last statement is no, nothing else I could have done would have changed it. Some days, that answer's not enough for me. I'm so sad to see something I loved so much, that I feel I gave everything I had to, just gone.
Not too long ago, I was lifted a bit when I felt God present me with another angle to the situation. Maybe, because God knew how much I loved this ministry, he removed me from the situation in the final year. Maybe, he knew that actually seeing it go down, up close and personal, would have crushed me. Maybe, He was protecting me from that really really deep hurt of being there at the end.
If that's the case...then I can be truly thankful. If that's the case...then I can try to pull myself up out of this failure pit, dust myself off, and know that while I made mistakes, I did the best that I could with what I had. If that's the case...then slowly, I can try to open myself up to what else may be down the road for me. I have a feeling that there are some great things coming. And I hope that when they arrive, I can step out from the shadow of failure and be truly ready to embrace them.
I can learn. I can say goodbye. I can move on. I can succeed. I can...be thankful.
