I want you to want me...

Today did not start out well...at all.  It was my first day back at service since I was told that I'm no longer a vocal leader at our church.  This was not because of anything I did or did not do, but rather it was because some people see more promise in a 19-year-old than they do in me.  Granted, I'm sure it's much more complicated than that, but I don't want this entry to go on for days.

Not only have I lost my duties as a leader, but I haven't sung on stage there since February.  All my privileges as a leader have been revoked.  I don't know what's going to happen to the newer singers I brought in, and I don't see any of my ideas coming to fruition.  I have been told that they would like to find a way for me to still use my gifts at that location, but I have no idea what that looks like, or if it's even possible.

This is not the first time something like that has happened to me while attending my church (a multi-site group).  It's the third.  And while each instance has been different, all have succeeded in making me feel the same things.  I'm angry, hurt, and totally confused as to what direction I should be taking.

I have spent years studying and learning and continuing to grow as a teacher and a musician, mainly for the purpose of passing this knowledge on to other people and helping them be the best that they can be.  I've always tried to do this in a way that's not intimidating, because that's not my goal.  I firmly believe that we never stop growing and learning, and because of that I still take a weekly voice lesson.  I am learning new things every week, and I strive to pass that knowledge on to others.  So, herein lies the question: What am I supposed to do with knowledge that no one seems to want?

Back to this morning.  I head into service and sit in the middle, off to the side.  Often when I'm listening to people sing, I'm trying to think of areas of strength, items for improvement, and how I would go about helping each person.  It's what I have been trained to do--I can't help it.

From almost the first note of music, I fought back tears...because I know what to do to help each person on that stage.  In fact, in most cases the problems are an easy fix, something I could easily explain.  But they don't want that right now...they don't want me.  So today, I forced myself to do something I rarely do: I shut myself down.  I did not look at the singers.  I barely listened to them.  Because today, it simply hurt too much to go there.  As the leader was singing "Come alive, come alive, come alive" in the special song, my mind and my spirit were screaming I CAN'T.  How can I come alive when I'm having to shut myself down??  How is this fair?  How is this being my true self?? Why is this being asked of me, again???   

So what can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to you...

I am so confused right now.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  I wish I understood why this is happening again, where I've gone wrong and what message from God I missed.  I wish I could go through life without my guard up so high, that I could walk through my day trusting that those around me will see my value.  I don't feel called to leave this location, as I've felt in the past.  But I also don't think I can just sit there each week and shut myself down from something I feel I was called to do.

The journey continues... 

Interlude

Hello, my dusty blog.  How have you been?
I should probably apologize for leaving you dormant for so long.  I should explain all the reasons I did not sit down and write...but then we would be here all week.  There are simply too many to explain.  Instead, I'm going to shamelessly take advantage of the fact that today is Easter.  Today we celebrate the larger-than-life gift we have been so freely given, and through this gift we receive the blessing of a fresh start. 

The curtain is torn.  The tomb is empty.  We are his.  I'll take it.

Moving on...