I realize it's been way too long since I've written a new entry. In my mind, I keep waiting for the perfect opportunity to sit down and write something. Ha, what a joke. Too bad I haven't totally (or rather, at all) convinced the perfectionist in me that perfection isn't possible. I think life would be a whole lost easier if I could get that through my thick skull.
I'm in my car a lot, what with an hour drive each way to my voice lesson and 40 minutes each way for the kids' therapy sessions. When I can manage to escape the kids' tunes, I really enjoy listening to books on CD (yes, in my mind it's books on tape!). Yesterday, I started listening to "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Friends, I believe this book should become standard issue to women everywhere...or at least, women who are anything like me. While Beth's charismatic reading definitely enhanced the book (I'm serious), the message of it would have hit me like a ton of bricks even if Ben Stein had been reading.
So many things stuck out at me like sore, red thumbs as I listened, but I think the main idea came just as I was pulling in to my driveway. I had to back up the disc several times so I wouldn't forget it, and I'd like to paraphrase it (with all due credit given to Ms. Moore) for you here. Here goes...
In our lives, very much like the apostle Paul from the Bible, the fiercest enemy we have to fight in the fulfillment of our destiny is ourselves. We can become so insecure, so afraid of failure, so covetous of another person who "seems" to have what we lack, that we will never achieve what God has lined up for us. In fact, by doing these things, it's almost like we are saying that we don't trust God. We don't trust that he knew what he was doing when he gave us certain attributes or opportunities, because we're not good enough to pursue them (think Moses balking off public speech). Our insecurity is robbing us blind...and we're letting it happen.
...I know. Are you hurting like I've been hurting since hearing all this? The worst part, for me? Sadly, there is so much truth in these words. So, here now is a chance to work the Emotional side of my wholeness wheel...which, if you ask me, already sees much too much air time in my life. I'm a highly emotional person, a people pleaser. If I even perceive that I've offended someone, if it's even a remote possibility, I focus on it. I can't make decisions some days to save my life, leaving me overwhelmed and stuck like super glue to the floor, unable to progress in any direction. And I cry, a lot. I cry at stupid stuff, and I hate that I'm doing it! And even worse, I'm an ugly crier!! You know what I mean--some people can look so dramatic when they cry. Oh no, not this girl! Red-faced, blotchy-eyed, tight grimaced expressions accompany me on my sob-fests. Well, according to Moore's book so far, these qualities are all part of being insecure with myself. It made way too much sense.
And I've also discovered (as if this weren't enough), that I've got a few hot-button topics, areas where I feel like I'd become more secure if they were fixed or eliminated. Let's see if you can relate: my two hot-button spots are my weight and order/organization. The first has always been a factor for me, because I could see both in my peers and in my own family that having a weight issue made me different and less desirable as a person. In this arena, I wish for two things: I wish I could drop all of the extra weight (which I am working on, ever so slowly), and I wish I could love myself for the person I am inside, unconditionally, here and now. I wish my weight did not define me. I wish it didn't bother me so. I wish I could go through a day and not worry that everyone else is judging me because of it.
The second issue, though different, messes with my head on the same levels as my weight. I'm a very visual person, and when my surroundings are in chaos, then my body and spirit follow suit. It makes me tired, sad, mad, angry, you name it. Right now, I'm trying to arrange our family's fall schedule, and the pieces I try to stand up just keep falling down around me. It's a total mess, and it's got me in shut-down mode. Some tell me to get a grip. Boy, I wish I could.
I used to love going to Amy's house for small group. She seemed to be so together, at least in my hot-point areas. She was in great shape, dresses really well, and her house was immaculate. I mean shiny clean!! Now I know that she faces challenges, as we all do, but she was so successful in those areas where I struggle so much. It was so hard for me not to see those things, not to wish I could figure out her secret. Well, I did figure it out: the secret is that those weren't her hot-point areas. Those things weren't her challenges. Simple, huh?
I'm probably going to post more as I continue through the book. I'm really glad I picked it up, and I pray that I can unlock these chains of insecurity. After all, I know that God has some great things in store for me. I need to be ready and prepared to go after them!!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Pennies From Heaven
Argh--I'm still learning my way around this blog, and I haven't figured out how to reply to comments. I know...please don't laugh too loud. So here's a reply for Princess: Thanks for posting! I will have to use that at the next boot camp, which thankfully isn't until NEXT Saturday. By then I might get my courage back! LOL
Back to our regular programming...
July is Birthday Month for my two kids. Today is my son Aiden's fifth birthday (LOVE YOU BUD!!), and my daughter Becca will turn 8 on the 25th. It's always a crazy time that we're never quite prepared for, and this year has proved to be no exception.
Becca decided that she wanted to get a bike for her birthday. This irked us a bit, as she already has a decent one that just needs some repair. After chatting a bit, my husband and I decided to make this a "learning experience" for her by having her raise/earn the money for the new bike herself. Then, we will fix up the other one and donate it so another child can have a nice bike. We went to the store today to figure out which bike she wanted and how much she'd need to save, and we figured that with a helmet and tax she'd need to earn about $100. She had a little drama attack (she's exceptionally good at those) and said that it would take YEARS to raise that much. Well, with her birthday money, and any money should could save from odd jobs and allowance, it really won't take her long at all. She got so excited and started doing extra chores this afternoon. Hey, I could get used to this!
Fast forward a few hours, when we went back to the store to get items for Aiden's selected birthday dinner. I had brought Becca with to help, which is either hugely successful or a huge bomb. As we were standing in the check-out, Becca spotted a beef jerky and a bag of trail mix, each costing $1.00. Well, she just HAD to have them! She threw both items on the belt. She asked if I could buy them and she'd pay me from her bike money when we got home. Well, naturally I said no. You'll never raise the money for your bike at this rate, I noted.
This was not going to cut the mustard in her mind. I lost count of the number of times she asked, pleaded, cajoled, and whined during the visit...but I think a hundred is in the right ball park. Add to this the HUGE lines at WalMart, the two phone calls I got while in line, and trying to make sure I paid with the right card, and you've got a very upset Mom!!! Finally, I asked the cashier to remove the items from the belt (this got her HACKED), we finished up, and Becca and I sat on a bench to talk.
I was so angry and frustrated at the scene I felt she'd caused. Over and over, I tried to explain why she couldn't spend the money on these little items when she was trying to save for a bigger prize down the road. I couldn't understand why she'd become so fixated on these little things, things that would be gone in a matter of minutes. And then it hit me, the little voice that I'd tried so hard to block out had knocked down a door in my mind in order to be heard.
"Why should she listen to you, when you do this to yourself all the time??" OUCH.
And what could I say to that? Why was it okay for me to sabotage my long-term goal (which so happens to be about 100 pounds) for a few items I had fixed my attention to, items that would not benefit me in the least, items that would be gone in a matter of minutes? Why was I so easily able to rationalize skipping a workout or indulging in a treat instead of working harder towards this goal of losing weight and feeling better physically?
Mentally, I answered back the way I feel any other mature adult would...because!!!! That's why!!! Add the very mature eye roll here. Or later, and more accurately, I acknowledged....I don't know. Both are answers that my kids use frequently. Both seem to make perfect sense to them. I didn't fully get it, until this afternoon.
I realized that my habits and actions do not just affect me...my kids are watching. I knew they were...I just didn't think they were watching as closely as they truly are. And they don't even realize it...and that worries me. And that inspires me to want to change.
And it got me to thinking: for a long time, I've felt like I have to hide my weight issue. Maybe if I conceal it and don't talk too much about it, maybe people won't notice. Maybe it won't be there. But if my kids can so easily pick up on little habits and tendencies that I've worked to hide away...then maybe this weight issue is more obvious to everyone around me than I could ever have imagined. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I guess it's along the lines of saying, "I never knew I was that big," when you were probably in that spot for quite a long time and kept trying to hide it. Well now I've reached a point where I really have no choice but to deal with it, to talk about it, to seek out some help. And maybe that's okay.
I promise that this whole blog won't be about this Physical Well-Being wrung of the wheel--there's a whole lot more to it than that. This part, however, seems to need to most attention...even though I'm learning that is rarely operates alone. By starting here, I can hopefully start to build equity in each of the areas I'm lacking...and that is definitely, definitely something worth saving up for.
Back to our regular programming...
July is Birthday Month for my two kids. Today is my son Aiden's fifth birthday (LOVE YOU BUD!!), and my daughter Becca will turn 8 on the 25th. It's always a crazy time that we're never quite prepared for, and this year has proved to be no exception.
Becca decided that she wanted to get a bike for her birthday. This irked us a bit, as she already has a decent one that just needs some repair. After chatting a bit, my husband and I decided to make this a "learning experience" for her by having her raise/earn the money for the new bike herself. Then, we will fix up the other one and donate it so another child can have a nice bike. We went to the store today to figure out which bike she wanted and how much she'd need to save, and we figured that with a helmet and tax she'd need to earn about $100. She had a little drama attack (she's exceptionally good at those) and said that it would take YEARS to raise that much. Well, with her birthday money, and any money should could save from odd jobs and allowance, it really won't take her long at all. She got so excited and started doing extra chores this afternoon. Hey, I could get used to this!
Fast forward a few hours, when we went back to the store to get items for Aiden's selected birthday dinner. I had brought Becca with to help, which is either hugely successful or a huge bomb. As we were standing in the check-out, Becca spotted a beef jerky and a bag of trail mix, each costing $1.00. Well, she just HAD to have them! She threw both items on the belt. She asked if I could buy them and she'd pay me from her bike money when we got home. Well, naturally I said no. You'll never raise the money for your bike at this rate, I noted.
This was not going to cut the mustard in her mind. I lost count of the number of times she asked, pleaded, cajoled, and whined during the visit...but I think a hundred is in the right ball park. Add to this the HUGE lines at WalMart, the two phone calls I got while in line, and trying to make sure I paid with the right card, and you've got a very upset Mom!!! Finally, I asked the cashier to remove the items from the belt (this got her HACKED), we finished up, and Becca and I sat on a bench to talk.
I was so angry and frustrated at the scene I felt she'd caused. Over and over, I tried to explain why she couldn't spend the money on these little items when she was trying to save for a bigger prize down the road. I couldn't understand why she'd become so fixated on these little things, things that would be gone in a matter of minutes. And then it hit me, the little voice that I'd tried so hard to block out had knocked down a door in my mind in order to be heard.
"Why should she listen to you, when you do this to yourself all the time??" OUCH.
And what could I say to that? Why was it okay for me to sabotage my long-term goal (which so happens to be about 100 pounds) for a few items I had fixed my attention to, items that would not benefit me in the least, items that would be gone in a matter of minutes? Why was I so easily able to rationalize skipping a workout or indulging in a treat instead of working harder towards this goal of losing weight and feeling better physically?
Mentally, I answered back the way I feel any other mature adult would...because!!!! That's why!!! Add the very mature eye roll here. Or later, and more accurately, I acknowledged....I don't know. Both are answers that my kids use frequently. Both seem to make perfect sense to them. I didn't fully get it, until this afternoon.
I realized that my habits and actions do not just affect me...my kids are watching. I knew they were...I just didn't think they were watching as closely as they truly are. And they don't even realize it...and that worries me. And that inspires me to want to change.
And it got me to thinking: for a long time, I've felt like I have to hide my weight issue. Maybe if I conceal it and don't talk too much about it, maybe people won't notice. Maybe it won't be there. But if my kids can so easily pick up on little habits and tendencies that I've worked to hide away...then maybe this weight issue is more obvious to everyone around me than I could ever have imagined. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I guess it's along the lines of saying, "I never knew I was that big," when you were probably in that spot for quite a long time and kept trying to hide it. Well now I've reached a point where I really have no choice but to deal with it, to talk about it, to seek out some help. And maybe that's okay.
I promise that this whole blog won't be about this Physical Well-Being wrung of the wheel--there's a whole lot more to it than that. This part, however, seems to need to most attention...even though I'm learning that is rarely operates alone. By starting here, I can hopefully start to build equity in each of the areas I'm lacking...and that is definitely, definitely something worth saving up for.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Who am I KIDDING?? (Part Two)
The answer to that last, painful question is no. No, he's not wrong at all.
And THAT, I think, was the hardest part of this boot camp experience. While his approach was tough, much tougher than I've experienced, he was not incorrect. That's got me messed up right now.
This wrung of my Wholeness Wheel has been crippled for a long time. It is so hard for me to battle, for many reasons. First, there's so much history behind it that even the benefits you reap don't always satisfy. Proof positive--at the store this afternoon, I sooo badly wanted to get a bag of hot chips. We ate these all the time when I was younger and I love them. Had I gotten them, I would have polished off the entire bag. I have many historically significant food attachments, and each one is a battle. Relatives and times in my life that I miss get reincarnated by food at the slightest emotional dip. And no, we're not talking carrots and yogurt, either. We're talking cinnamon toast, pasties (short "a" sound), and a variety of breads as far as the eye can see.
Second, I am a very visual person, and just seeing a large spread is enough to do me in. I can have pristine intentions, and in some cases a game plan, and it doesn't matter. Remember "if you build it, they will come?" For me, if it's available, it's a problem. Example: at our kids' VBS cookout last night, I went way overboard. I felt like I had to eat a lot, simply because it was available.
Third, and foremost, I let life get in my way and I don't feel I'm worthy of anything different. Here's my subconscious monologue: I'm too stressed to plan ahead. I'm worn out and overwhelmed so I should get to comfort myself. I have to take care of my kids before myself, so what I do doesn't matter. I'm not worthy of success anyway, right??
For so long, I've used all of these as excuses. And yes, at some points in my life I did need these crutches to get by, because they were truly all I had to keep me going. I'm not in that place anymore...but these things became habit and didn't get the memo that I'd moved on with my life. Well, there's the rub: I guess I didn't really move on with my life yet. And that's why today has been so difficult.
I'm not sure what's going to happen from here...but I know that this experience has brought me to a huge crossroads. Will I fight through the pain and the tears and the anger and really move on? How can I let myself stay where I'm at, knowing what I now know? Feeling what I now feel?
If it's any indication, my husband is making me go back to the next boot camp. So, I guess the question has been answered for me this time. I know I'll be thankful for his help, and Wendy's and Becca's. Maybe not today, when I'm so sore. But I will be thankful.
And THAT, I think, was the hardest part of this boot camp experience. While his approach was tough, much tougher than I've experienced, he was not incorrect. That's got me messed up right now.
This wrung of my Wholeness Wheel has been crippled for a long time. It is so hard for me to battle, for many reasons. First, there's so much history behind it that even the benefits you reap don't always satisfy. Proof positive--at the store this afternoon, I sooo badly wanted to get a bag of hot chips. We ate these all the time when I was younger and I love them. Had I gotten them, I would have polished off the entire bag. I have many historically significant food attachments, and each one is a battle. Relatives and times in my life that I miss get reincarnated by food at the slightest emotional dip. And no, we're not talking carrots and yogurt, either. We're talking cinnamon toast, pasties (short "a" sound), and a variety of breads as far as the eye can see.
Second, I am a very visual person, and just seeing a large spread is enough to do me in. I can have pristine intentions, and in some cases a game plan, and it doesn't matter. Remember "if you build it, they will come?" For me, if it's available, it's a problem. Example: at our kids' VBS cookout last night, I went way overboard. I felt like I had to eat a lot, simply because it was available.
Third, and foremost, I let life get in my way and I don't feel I'm worthy of anything different. Here's my subconscious monologue: I'm too stressed to plan ahead. I'm worn out and overwhelmed so I should get to comfort myself. I have to take care of my kids before myself, so what I do doesn't matter. I'm not worthy of success anyway, right??
For so long, I've used all of these as excuses. And yes, at some points in my life I did need these crutches to get by, because they were truly all I had to keep me going. I'm not in that place anymore...but these things became habit and didn't get the memo that I'd moved on with my life. Well, there's the rub: I guess I didn't really move on with my life yet. And that's why today has been so difficult.
I'm not sure what's going to happen from here...but I know that this experience has brought me to a huge crossroads. Will I fight through the pain and the tears and the anger and really move on? How can I let myself stay where I'm at, knowing what I now know? Feeling what I now feel?
If it's any indication, my husband is making me go back to the next boot camp. So, I guess the question has been answered for me this time. I know I'll be thankful for his help, and Wendy's and Becca's. Maybe not today, when I'm so sore. But I will be thankful.
Who am I KIDDING?? (Part One)
If you woke up this morning looking for an interesting way to torture yourself into shape, I've got you covered. Simply check out a boot camp in your area. These classes are definitely not for the faint of heart or the wide of waist. Many of my friends have been attending a boot camp in our area for a while, and you can definitely tell they've been successful in their efforts to shape up and lose weight. My small group leader (Wendy) and a former co-worker (Becca) have encouraged me to try it for a while. Well, with all the changes I've been making for this project, I decided that today was the day to try it for myself.
I think I should rephrase that: I was FREAKING OUT, but decided to see what it was all about anyway. Even though the negative self-talk plagued me from the moment I woke up (you're too fat for this, you're going to look stupid, just stay in bed), somehow I managed to pull my car into the parking lot. That's not to say the bad self-talk didn't affect everything I did: I barely talked to anyone, even my friends. In my mind, I was sparing them the embarrassment of having to talk to the fat girl. I worried over everything: whether I was the biggest one there, whether I'd pass out or throw up, whether I could even complete the darned class.
Probably one of my biggest fears was this: I worried that every other person in that class looked at me and thought, Why on Earth is THAT girl here??? And while I'm not a stranger to this (some girls on our 8th grade Track team actually verbalized this to me when I joined to do shot-put), nothing can really prepare you for or make you doubt that thought.
I have to share a few facts with you about the experience:
1. I made it through the class, although very sore and a little flu-like now. But, I am still breathing. On my own. No resuscitation needed.
2. I've had two children, both by C-sections that brought complications and held long recovery times. This boot camp class, for me, measures up on that level. It was one of the hardest things I have EVER done.
Just the warm-up had me hyperventilating. I had to find a spot to sit, hand on my chest with tears streaming down my face. Part of me thought, surely they will come check on me. Surely this will prove that I can't handle this and they will tell me to go home. But no one came. Eventually, I managed to calm my breathing and headed back for more torture.
After several more activities, our instructor (is that the right word? Drill sergeant, for a boot camp?) had us pick partners. I didn't move. I did think, oh great. Now someone else will suffer because I can't handle it. I think her name was Denise. I think I apologized to her, at least once. I think that suicide runs are aptly named.
I kept alternating between hyperventilating and biting my tongue so I wouldn't cry, and just being mad. Mad at this stupid class. Mad at this stupid instructor-drill-sergeant. Mad at myself for even being in this position where I couldn't handle it.
And, in typical boot camp fashion, our instructor-drill-sergeant started to try and inspire us. Yeah, you know what I mean there. I can't remember what he said word for word as I was chopping off my tongue with my teeth so I wouldn't start sobbing. But I remember the basic gist: we were putting crap in our bodies, treating ourselves like the crap we ate. We were setting a bad example for our children, our families. We were abusing the gift that God had given us. And none of this would change until we did something different.
I sobbed the whole way home, like a deep down to my soul cry. I was angry, I was humiliated, I was sad.
But I had to ask myself:
Was he wrong?
I think I should rephrase that: I was FREAKING OUT, but decided to see what it was all about anyway. Even though the negative self-talk plagued me from the moment I woke up (you're too fat for this, you're going to look stupid, just stay in bed), somehow I managed to pull my car into the parking lot. That's not to say the bad self-talk didn't affect everything I did: I barely talked to anyone, even my friends. In my mind, I was sparing them the embarrassment of having to talk to the fat girl. I worried over everything: whether I was the biggest one there, whether I'd pass out or throw up, whether I could even complete the darned class.
Probably one of my biggest fears was this: I worried that every other person in that class looked at me and thought, Why on Earth is THAT girl here??? And while I'm not a stranger to this (some girls on our 8th grade Track team actually verbalized this to me when I joined to do shot-put), nothing can really prepare you for or make you doubt that thought.
I have to share a few facts with you about the experience:
1. I made it through the class, although very sore and a little flu-like now. But, I am still breathing. On my own. No resuscitation needed.
2. I've had two children, both by C-sections that brought complications and held long recovery times. This boot camp class, for me, measures up on that level. It was one of the hardest things I have EVER done.
Just the warm-up had me hyperventilating. I had to find a spot to sit, hand on my chest with tears streaming down my face. Part of me thought, surely they will come check on me. Surely this will prove that I can't handle this and they will tell me to go home. But no one came. Eventually, I managed to calm my breathing and headed back for more torture.
After several more activities, our instructor (is that the right word? Drill sergeant, for a boot camp?) had us pick partners. I didn't move. I did think, oh great. Now someone else will suffer because I can't handle it. I think her name was Denise. I think I apologized to her, at least once. I think that suicide runs are aptly named.
I kept alternating between hyperventilating and biting my tongue so I wouldn't cry, and just being mad. Mad at this stupid class. Mad at this stupid instructor-drill-sergeant. Mad at myself for even being in this position where I couldn't handle it.
And, in typical boot camp fashion, our instructor-drill-sergeant started to try and inspire us. Yeah, you know what I mean there. I can't remember what he said word for word as I was chopping off my tongue with my teeth so I wouldn't start sobbing. But I remember the basic gist: we were putting crap in our bodies, treating ourselves like the crap we ate. We were setting a bad example for our children, our families. We were abusing the gift that God had given us. And none of this would change until we did something different.
I sobbed the whole way home, like a deep down to my soul cry. I was angry, I was humiliated, I was sad.
But I had to ask myself:
Was he wrong?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Life is a highway...
It amazes me sometimes that some days can go so quickly, while other drag slowly by. And yet even some others flow at a nice pace until some task or event comes up, and then you're flung into Ludicrous Speed faster than you can say Spaceballs. Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
So today marks Day Three of my wholeness project, and I've decided to start by primarily focusing on the Physical Well-Being section of the Wholeness Wheel. In my mind, I'm figuring that I will need to first build the energy, strength, and stamina to tackle all of the wheel's sections and get it back in good stead.
Here are some of the steps I have either started taking or am planning to take in this section:
* First (and sadly, hardest), I am working to eliminate all of my food allergens from my diet. This includes wheat, yeast, eggs, and gluten. You wouldn't think this would be so hard--remove these things and feel better--but I just adore bread. I'm like that lobster lady from Dr. Doolittle, a total glutton for punishment.
* Second, to help things get started, I'm doing a cleanse (check it out here) and upping my water intake by a whole lot. I'm not giving up coffee, at least not yet. I heart coffee. My voice hearts water. My bladder hearts the bathroom.
* I want and need to add in more activity: exercise DVDs (love TaeBo), walking, hopefully even some running as I feel stronger. The best time for me to do so, given our crazy schedule, is first thing in the morning. I learned quickly that I can't just shift into getting up super early. I'm a morning person, but I'm out of practice. So, every morning I'm setting my alarm 5 minutes earlier, and pretty soon I will have built in enough time for a good body-moving.
* Our family is taking a No Fast Food Challenge for thirty days. This means we have got to plan ahead and be prepared. This. is. HARD. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is...
* In general, I want to create a more active lifestyle for our family. Our kids are high energy and need high activity, and it's just plain good for us. However, I grew up without a lot of activity options, so this does NOT come naturally to me at all.
* I'm also trying to add a weight ticker to my blog--for some reason it's not working yet. As of now, my goal is to get down about 101 pounds from my starting weight on July 5th. This is a feat I have never accomplished. I've never been at a healthy weight for my body. It's a huge project, exciting and super scary all at once.
So far I've been met with a pretty even mix of the days I described above. Day One went fairly smoothly, as most of my "day ones" tend to go. I was prepared, I knew what was coming, and even if I didn't like it (like my carb-cutting headaches), I was able to withstand. Day Two was exhausting, and poor planning on our part led to a bad decision come dinner-time...which I deeply regretted this morning. Today, I'm learning some lessons about myself (how I feel when I eat well and when I don't) and I'm feeling some good effects (joints don't hurt quite as much).
I have to really, really remind myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I want to dart ahead, I want to throw everything in so that I feel like I'm "giving it my all." Even though I know this course of action rarely works for me, and often leaves me stressed out, burned up, and sick as a dog. I keep plodding after it anyway, because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. This is a HUGE struggle for me.
Maybe I'll go take the dog for a walk...
"When the waves are taking you under,
hold on just a little bit longer.
He knows that this is going to make you
stronger, stronger..."
Stronger by Mandisa
So today marks Day Three of my wholeness project, and I've decided to start by primarily focusing on the Physical Well-Being section of the Wholeness Wheel. In my mind, I'm figuring that I will need to first build the energy, strength, and stamina to tackle all of the wheel's sections and get it back in good stead.
Here are some of the steps I have either started taking or am planning to take in this section:
* First (and sadly, hardest), I am working to eliminate all of my food allergens from my diet. This includes wheat, yeast, eggs, and gluten. You wouldn't think this would be so hard--remove these things and feel better--but I just adore bread. I'm like that lobster lady from Dr. Doolittle, a total glutton for punishment.
* Second, to help things get started, I'm doing a cleanse (check it out here) and upping my water intake by a whole lot. I'm not giving up coffee, at least not yet. I heart coffee. My voice hearts water. My bladder hearts the bathroom.
* I want and need to add in more activity: exercise DVDs (love TaeBo), walking, hopefully even some running as I feel stronger. The best time for me to do so, given our crazy schedule, is first thing in the morning. I learned quickly that I can't just shift into getting up super early. I'm a morning person, but I'm out of practice. So, every morning I'm setting my alarm 5 minutes earlier, and pretty soon I will have built in enough time for a good body-moving.
* Our family is taking a No Fast Food Challenge for thirty days. This means we have got to plan ahead and be prepared. This. is. HARD. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is...
* In general, I want to create a more active lifestyle for our family. Our kids are high energy and need high activity, and it's just plain good for us. However, I grew up without a lot of activity options, so this does NOT come naturally to me at all.
* I'm also trying to add a weight ticker to my blog--for some reason it's not working yet. As of now, my goal is to get down about 101 pounds from my starting weight on July 5th. This is a feat I have never accomplished. I've never been at a healthy weight for my body. It's a huge project, exciting and super scary all at once.
So far I've been met with a pretty even mix of the days I described above. Day One went fairly smoothly, as most of my "day ones" tend to go. I was prepared, I knew what was coming, and even if I didn't like it (like my carb-cutting headaches), I was able to withstand. Day Two was exhausting, and poor planning on our part led to a bad decision come dinner-time...which I deeply regretted this morning. Today, I'm learning some lessons about myself (how I feel when I eat well and when I don't) and I'm feeling some good effects (joints don't hurt quite as much).
I have to really, really remind myself that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I want to dart ahead, I want to throw everything in so that I feel like I'm "giving it my all." Even though I know this course of action rarely works for me, and often leaves me stressed out, burned up, and sick as a dog. I keep plodding after it anyway, because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. This is a HUGE struggle for me.
Maybe I'll go take the dog for a walk...
"When the waves are taking you under,
hold on just a little bit longer.
He knows that this is going to make you
stronger, stronger..."
Stronger by Mandisa
Monday, July 4, 2011
Jesus, take the wheel
While doing some research to get ready to start this new blog, I came across some interesting ideas. I'm growing more and more convinced that I'm not the only one in need of this pursuit for wholeness and healing. I came across everything from existential wholeness (the coined-term holescence) to new age-y type wholeness (visit the HolEssence Healing Studio in Crystal Lake). Quite interesting...
Eventually, I came across this Wholeness Wheel (check out the link here), and I finally felt like I was on the right track. Apparently, the author of the article, Rev. Kent Mueller, received this wholeness wheel from his medical insurance company. What a great concept, because it's so true! When you are off in one of these areas, the whole wheel (your life) feels a bit off kilter. The example Mr. Mueller gave was of his recent bout with bronchitis. When you're sick, most likely you're not exercising or sleeping well, and you're probably much less productive in your vocation. Plus, the spiritual well-being component is so often overlooked, and I don't want to bypass it any more. I should be turning to God in everything and with everything...and if I'm not, there's really not much of a chance this wheel will ever right itself.
I think I will use this wheel as a guide as I proceed into this project...which officially kicks off TOMORROW!
This weekend has been a major celebration for me: my husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. I think that nowadays, this is a major compliment by any standards. For me, moving past the point at which my parents' marriage ended has been monumental. It's like a weight has been lifted, a new chapter has started. I'm starting on an unmarred path. And it's not a moment that I am going to take lightly.
So, this weekend through today (Independence Day--in more ways than two!) has been a celebration. I've eaten what I wanted, rested when I wanted, done what I wanted, truly savored this place I'm in now. Tomorrow, it's time to get down to work and put my wholeness wheel back to rights...but not by myself. I'll be back tomorrow to explain more about what's going to be changing. I'm nervous and excited and a million other things. I can't wait to see where this next chapter of my life leads me.
"Jesus, take the wheel, take it from my hands
'cause I can't do this on my own.
I'm letting go, so give me one more chance.
Save me from this road I'm on."
Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood
Sunday, July 3, 2011
The Courage to Start
"It's time for healing, time to move on.
It's time to fix what's been broken too long;
Time to make right what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong."
Whatever You're Doing, by Santcus Real
The start of this blog has been a long time in the making, for many reasons. In part, my raging perfectionist tendencies wouldn't let me start until I had the perfect everything (blog title, post text, you name it). Good thing I overcame that...at least for today. In part, the issues that I'm hoping to cover in this blog are issues I have dealt with for a long time, issues that I would much rather just forget.
In fact, if we're getting technical, this blog should have been started over a year ago. I left my job as the assistant director for a fine arts school/ministry, one of the hardest yet most important decisions I have made to date. I decided when I left that the next year of my life would be devoted to healing and starting over; the stress and frustration of my job, my singing, and my life in general had really taken a toll. I didn't feel like I knew down from up, and I had little to no clue what direction my life should take next. I was completely lost.
...and yet, here we are. Since this is just Post One, I won't delve too much into why I am still stuck here. I'll have plenty of time for that! Let's just say that I dug myself into a deeper hole, and I don't like to give up my shovel for just anyone.
Last week, I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (check out http://www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com/), and I totally fell in love. Her book has rekindled the fire I had last year to improve myself and believe in something different. I was so excited, I decided to start my own project...with a slightly different focus.
I didn't just want to be happier, though many days that would more than suffice. I wanted to be more confident. I wanted to find peace. I wanted to seek healing. I wanted to be whole. And I knew that this time, it wouldn't be enough to just say that I wanted those things. I'd need to actively pursue them, and I'd need some accountability along the way.
Once I decided that I wanted to do this with a blog rather than my pen-and-paper journal (I know, I know), The Wholeness Project came to be. I'm really excited to start this journey, and I hope you'll follow me, support me, pray for me, and share your stories as well!
In her book Made to Crave (http://www.madetocrave.org/), Lysa TerKeurst talks about her journey through weight loss and food dependence. She explains that this isn't a once-and-done kind of project. It was a constant battle and reminder to turn to God in everything, to always be thinking ahead, and to make the courageous choice. You never know what one courageous choice, mustering the courage to start something, can do.
So, here we go. I am putting myself out there. I am praying for acceptance. I know there will be bumps in the road, and that the road won't be covered in a few days or weeks. But I do know that, for the sake of my family and myself, I need to find the courage to start. And I pray the same for you.
"When you take that first step into the unknown, He won't let you go."
Walk on the Water, by Britt Nicole
It's time to fix what's been broken too long;
Time to make right what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong."
Whatever You're Doing, by Santcus Real
The start of this blog has been a long time in the making, for many reasons. In part, my raging perfectionist tendencies wouldn't let me start until I had the perfect everything (blog title, post text, you name it). Good thing I overcame that...at least for today. In part, the issues that I'm hoping to cover in this blog are issues I have dealt with for a long time, issues that I would much rather just forget.
In fact, if we're getting technical, this blog should have been started over a year ago. I left my job as the assistant director for a fine arts school/ministry, one of the hardest yet most important decisions I have made to date. I decided when I left that the next year of my life would be devoted to healing and starting over; the stress and frustration of my job, my singing, and my life in general had really taken a toll. I didn't feel like I knew down from up, and I had little to no clue what direction my life should take next. I was completely lost.
...and yet, here we are. Since this is just Post One, I won't delve too much into why I am still stuck here. I'll have plenty of time for that! Let's just say that I dug myself into a deeper hole, and I don't like to give up my shovel for just anyone.
Last week, I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (check out http://www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com/), and I totally fell in love. Her book has rekindled the fire I had last year to improve myself and believe in something different. I was so excited, I decided to start my own project...with a slightly different focus.
I didn't just want to be happier, though many days that would more than suffice. I wanted to be more confident. I wanted to find peace. I wanted to seek healing. I wanted to be whole. And I knew that this time, it wouldn't be enough to just say that I wanted those things. I'd need to actively pursue them, and I'd need some accountability along the way.
Once I decided that I wanted to do this with a blog rather than my pen-and-paper journal (I know, I know), The Wholeness Project came to be. I'm really excited to start this journey, and I hope you'll follow me, support me, pray for me, and share your stories as well!
In her book Made to Crave (http://www.madetocrave.org/), Lysa TerKeurst talks about her journey through weight loss and food dependence. She explains that this isn't a once-and-done kind of project. It was a constant battle and reminder to turn to God in everything, to always be thinking ahead, and to make the courageous choice. You never know what one courageous choice, mustering the courage to start something, can do.
So, here we go. I am putting myself out there. I am praying for acceptance. I know there will be bumps in the road, and that the road won't be covered in a few days or weeks. But I do know that, for the sake of my family and myself, I need to find the courage to start. And I pray the same for you.
"When you take that first step into the unknown, He won't let you go."
Walk on the Water, by Britt Nicole
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