I realize it's been way too long since I've written a new entry. In my mind, I keep waiting for the perfect opportunity to sit down and write something. Ha, what a joke. Too bad I haven't totally (or rather, at all) convinced the perfectionist in me that perfection isn't possible. I think life would be a whole lost easier if I could get that through my thick skull.
I'm in my car a lot, what with an hour drive each way to my voice lesson and 40 minutes each way for the kids' therapy sessions. When I can manage to escape the kids' tunes, I really enjoy listening to books on CD (yes, in my mind it's books on tape!). Yesterday, I started listening to "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Friends, I believe this book should become standard issue to women everywhere...or at least, women who are anything like me. While Beth's charismatic reading definitely enhanced the book (I'm serious), the message of it would have hit me like a ton of bricks even if Ben Stein had been reading.
So many things stuck out at me like sore, red thumbs as I listened, but I think the main idea came just as I was pulling in to my driveway. I had to back up the disc several times so I wouldn't forget it, and I'd like to paraphrase it (with all due credit given to Ms. Moore) for you here. Here goes...
In our lives, very much like the apostle Paul from the Bible, the fiercest enemy we have to fight in the fulfillment of our destiny is ourselves. We can become so insecure, so afraid of failure, so covetous of another person who "seems" to have what we lack, that we will never achieve what God has lined up for us. In fact, by doing these things, it's almost like we are saying that we don't trust God. We don't trust that he knew what he was doing when he gave us certain attributes or opportunities, because we're not good enough to pursue them (think Moses balking off public speech). Our insecurity is robbing us blind...and we're letting it happen.
...I know. Are you hurting like I've been hurting since hearing all this? The worst part, for me? Sadly, there is so much truth in these words. So, here now is a chance to work the Emotional side of my wholeness wheel...which, if you ask me, already sees much too much air time in my life. I'm a highly emotional person, a people pleaser. If I even perceive that I've offended someone, if it's even a remote possibility, I focus on it. I can't make decisions some days to save my life, leaving me overwhelmed and stuck like super glue to the floor, unable to progress in any direction. And I cry, a lot. I cry at stupid stuff, and I hate that I'm doing it! And even worse, I'm an ugly crier!! You know what I mean--some people can look so dramatic when they cry. Oh no, not this girl! Red-faced, blotchy-eyed, tight grimaced expressions accompany me on my sob-fests. Well, according to Moore's book so far, these qualities are all part of being insecure with myself. It made way too much sense.
And I've also discovered (as if this weren't enough), that I've got a few hot-button topics, areas where I feel like I'd become more secure if they were fixed or eliminated. Let's see if you can relate: my two hot-button spots are my weight and order/organization. The first has always been a factor for me, because I could see both in my peers and in my own family that having a weight issue made me different and less desirable as a person. In this arena, I wish for two things: I wish I could drop all of the extra weight (which I am working on, ever so slowly), and I wish I could love myself for the person I am inside, unconditionally, here and now. I wish my weight did not define me. I wish it didn't bother me so. I wish I could go through a day and not worry that everyone else is judging me because of it.
The second issue, though different, messes with my head on the same levels as my weight. I'm a very visual person, and when my surroundings are in chaos, then my body and spirit follow suit. It makes me tired, sad, mad, angry, you name it. Right now, I'm trying to arrange our family's fall schedule, and the pieces I try to stand up just keep falling down around me. It's a total mess, and it's got me in shut-down mode. Some tell me to get a grip. Boy, I wish I could.
I used to love going to Amy's house for small group. She seemed to be so together, at least in my hot-point areas. She was in great shape, dresses really well, and her house was immaculate. I mean shiny clean!! Now I know that she faces challenges, as we all do, but she was so successful in those areas where I struggle so much. It was so hard for me not to see those things, not to wish I could figure out her secret. Well, I did figure it out: the secret is that those weren't her hot-point areas. Those things weren't her challenges. Simple, huh?
I'm probably going to post more as I continue through the book. I'm really glad I picked it up, and I pray that I can unlock these chains of insecurity. After all, I know that God has some great things in store for me. I need to be ready and prepared to go after them!!
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