I had a major epiphany today, and it happened in the same spot where many of my revelations occur--in my car.
Francesca (aka Fran the Third) is my 2002 Toyota Camry. She shakes when you ride about 70 on the highway, but she gets me where I need to go. As much as I would love to get a newer car sometime soon, her and I have a thing. We work well together. She's really become my think tank, some days the only quiet and solitude I'm bound to get so I do not take that time lightly.
Today I was driving to Chicago bright and early for my weekly voice lesson. Yes, many days I complain about the traffic or the mileage, but I am truly blessed to have the teacher I have. With the amazing help of Dr. Ron Combs and his partner Dan Kane, my voice has grown almost a full octave since I started study in 2003. I almost always leave my lesson feeling refreshed and energized, as if my purpose has been renewed.
This week, however, the epiphany I'm talking about came before I even reached his house. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been listening to the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I've really gotten a lot out of the entire read...but today took this to a whole new level. I reached Chapter 8 as I drove onto Lake Shore Drive from the Stevenson...and that's when it hit me. It didn't come as the aha moment, that metaphysical "click" I'd been looking for at this point in my journey. It came more like a thud, a weight in my stomach, a stark realization of the reality I'd created for myself. Just as powerful, yet far more serious than any "click" I could experience.
Are you ready for it? Here it is:
Everything I do, everything I have done, and everything I am up to this point in my life is marred by my crippling insecurity. What I've managed to achieve, what I've failed to achieve, what I strive to be is all splotched by it. And, even worse yet, this legacy that I've sworn to try and break is already being passed on...before my very eyes.
This left me stunned and speechless. I'm still trying to really wrap my head around it. It's that serious.
Many people who've met me, or have seen me sing on stage or at church, would never guess that I am as insecure as I am. That's the case for a few reasons: one, I've become excellent at hiding it...at least I think so. I'm a pretty decent actress, after all. It's something I haven't wanted anyone to discover. Two, my singing is one of the few things in my life where I feel I've got some talent and ability...so I don't stress as much over it, and I allow myself to be a different, more expressive person on stage because I'm not as afraid of failure.
Note, I used the phrase "as much." Any singer will tell you that we are our own worst critics, and I'm exceptionally good at that too! I will obsess over a missed note, botched phrase, poorly taken breath or badly positioned register change. For as hard as I may be on my students, I am ten times harder on myself, and that's being generous.
I feel like I've been looking for answers for a long time, solutions for my weight issues, for why I'm stuck vocally, for the state of our house and family and marriage. I've been looking for an aha, a "click" that would just make sense and would fix everything. The fact that the epiphany did not come in that form leaves me even more stunned. But it's the answer God set out for me to find.
I've been given a legacy of insecurity, and I can and must find a way to break free from it. It's kept me from pursuing my goals. From truly investing myself in relationships and friendships. From thinking I deserve better. From fully using the gifts God's bestowed. From taking proper care of myself.
Instead I've hidden myself behind layers and layers of weight, piles of stuff, walls of silence. And it's not come without consequences for those around me. When my daughter tearfully told me she was afraid that no one would like her or want to play with her, the harsh bite of my selfishness really hit home.
God, what am I doing???
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