I want you to want me...

Today did not start out well...at all.  It was my first day back at service since I was told that I'm no longer a vocal leader at our church.  This was not because of anything I did or did not do, but rather it was because some people see more promise in a 19-year-old than they do in me.  Granted, I'm sure it's much more complicated than that, but I don't want this entry to go on for days.

Not only have I lost my duties as a leader, but I haven't sung on stage there since February.  All my privileges as a leader have been revoked.  I don't know what's going to happen to the newer singers I brought in, and I don't see any of my ideas coming to fruition.  I have been told that they would like to find a way for me to still use my gifts at that location, but I have no idea what that looks like, or if it's even possible.

This is not the first time something like that has happened to me while attending my church (a multi-site group).  It's the third.  And while each instance has been different, all have succeeded in making me feel the same things.  I'm angry, hurt, and totally confused as to what direction I should be taking.

I have spent years studying and learning and continuing to grow as a teacher and a musician, mainly for the purpose of passing this knowledge on to other people and helping them be the best that they can be.  I've always tried to do this in a way that's not intimidating, because that's not my goal.  I firmly believe that we never stop growing and learning, and because of that I still take a weekly voice lesson.  I am learning new things every week, and I strive to pass that knowledge on to others.  So, herein lies the question: What am I supposed to do with knowledge that no one seems to want?

Back to this morning.  I head into service and sit in the middle, off to the side.  Often when I'm listening to people sing, I'm trying to think of areas of strength, items for improvement, and how I would go about helping each person.  It's what I have been trained to do--I can't help it.

From almost the first note of music, I fought back tears...because I know what to do to help each person on that stage.  In fact, in most cases the problems are an easy fix, something I could easily explain.  But they don't want that right now...they don't want me.  So today, I forced myself to do something I rarely do: I shut myself down.  I did not look at the singers.  I barely listened to them.  Because today, it simply hurt too much to go there.  As the leader was singing "Come alive, come alive, come alive" in the special song, my mind and my spirit were screaming I CAN'T.  How can I come alive when I'm having to shut myself down??  How is this fair?  How is this being my true self?? Why is this being asked of me, again???   

So what can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart, oh God, completely to you...

I am so confused right now.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  I wish I understood why this is happening again, where I've gone wrong and what message from God I missed.  I wish I could go through life without my guard up so high, that I could walk through my day trusting that those around me will see my value.  I don't feel called to leave this location, as I've felt in the past.  But I also don't think I can just sit there each week and shut myself down from something I feel I was called to do.

The journey continues... 

Interlude

Hello, my dusty blog.  How have you been?
I should probably apologize for leaving you dormant for so long.  I should explain all the reasons I did not sit down and write...but then we would be here all week.  There are simply too many to explain.  Instead, I'm going to shamelessly take advantage of the fact that today is Easter.  Today we celebrate the larger-than-life gift we have been so freely given, and through this gift we receive the blessing of a fresh start. 

The curtain is torn.  The tomb is empty.  We are his.  I'll take it.

Moving on...

Memorable Monday--Happy New Year!!!!

Welcome to 2012!!!  Have you been looking forward to turning the calendar page over to a new year?  I know I am definitely excited to start the new year.  For me, the coming year is going to be filled with some pretty exciting things: my OneWord focus for the year, my brother's getting married, I'm starting my doctorate, both kids in school full-time in September, two family vacations.  I also know that while there's a lot to look forward to, there's going to be a lot of work ahead of me to get to these events the way I want.  I'm really hoping to make this blog an integral part of my journey this year, and I hope you'll follow along!

So, as promised, I wanted to start the year off with a super helping of Memorable Monday goodness.  Here are a few passages to help us start the year off right!

Anne Lamott says,

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.  It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a crappy first draft.  I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die.  The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.

The chorus of the song "Walk on the Water," by Britt Nicole:

So what are you waiting for?  What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, trying to hold to you...
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move!
Your faith is all it takes, so you can walk on the water too...

Former Biggest Loser trainer, Jillian Michaels:

Until you feel strong enough to deal with the pain in your life, you're not going to be able to feel the joy either.

Finally, a few quotations to help with the words we picked for 2012.  First, on "peace" from Job 22:

Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.  Accept instruction from his mouth and lay up his words in your heart.  If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: if you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust; your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you.  Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God.

And for my good friend, a verse on "believe" from John 14:

Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves.  Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

Here is to a wonderful year ahead!!!