The Remedy

Chapter Nine of the book "So Long, Insecurity" consists of a prayer guide, so that you can come before God (I actually found Beth's reading very helpful), lay down the issues of insecurity, and ask Him to take them away, to "make a miracle" out of you.

Today, August 3rd 2011, I did just that.  I asked God to break the chains from me, to destroy this legacy of insecurity, and to bring healing to me, my daughter, my family.

It was not easy.  It's probably something I'll have to replay often throughout this journey.  And it wasn't without tears (be careful if you're still in the car at this point).  This is an issue I've dealt with since I was very little...so there'll be a lot of baggage I have to unpack and ship out.

I have decided a few things for myself at this point.  First, I'm going to stop trying to lose weight...at least, in the manner that I've tried to for years and years.  I've had periods of success with this, only to fall back beyond my starting point, and I've always wondered why.  Today, I realize that the weight issues I face are a side effect of my bigger issues with insecurity.  So, I will continue to try and eat healthy and get my body moving.  But I will not obsess over my numbers.  If I feel my clothes loosening, I will step on the scale to see what's happening.  But I am not a number, and I must stop obsessing over them.

Second, I'm going to enlist the help of people around me that I trust to help me identify those moments where my insecurity and perfectionism (another form of insecurity) rear their ugly, unwelcome heads.  I need to spot these moments coming and start to replace the lies I've believed for so long with the truth of who I really am and what I'm meant to be.

Third, as my husband tells me often, I'm going to try and leave my comfort zone more often.  Sometimes this isn't such a bad thing, and sometimes it's the hardest task ever.  Telling the girl who hates calling for pizza to step out and invite myself into conversations is mind-boggling.  What if I sound dumb?  What if they don't like me?  Argh...step out, step out, step out.

I'd like to ask you for your thoughts/prayers on this journey, if you're willing.  The fact that I'm even writing this words and putting them out there to the world is a huge step for me.  I know this will be extremely hard...but I want to find some wholeness, some healing.  Not just for me, but for my mother and grandmother before me and my daughter after me.  Let's leave a better legacy than this...