Pennies From Heaven

Argh--I'm still learning my way around this blog, and I haven't figured out how to reply to comments.  I know...please don't laugh too loud.  So here's a reply for Princess: Thanks for posting!  I will have to use that at the next boot camp, which thankfully isn't until NEXT Saturday.  By then I might get my courage back!  LOL

Back to our regular programming...

July is Birthday Month for my two kids.  Today is my son Aiden's fifth birthday (LOVE YOU BUD!!), and my daughter Becca will turn 8 on the 25th.  It's always a crazy time that we're never quite prepared for, and this year has proved to be no exception. 

Becca decided that she wanted to get a bike for her birthday.  This irked us a bit, as she already has a decent one that just needs some repair.  After chatting a bit, my husband and I decided to make this a "learning experience" for her by having her raise/earn the money for the new bike herself.  Then, we will fix up the other one and donate it so another child can have a nice bike.  We went to the store today to figure out which bike she wanted and how much she'd need to save, and we figured that with a helmet and tax she'd need to earn about $100.  She had a little drama attack (she's exceptionally good at those) and said that it would take YEARS to raise that much.  Well, with her birthday money, and any money should could save from odd jobs and allowance, it really won't take her long at all.  She got so excited and started doing extra chores this afternoon.  Hey, I could get used to this!

Fast forward a few hours, when we went back to the store to get items for Aiden's selected birthday dinner.  I had brought Becca with to help, which is either hugely successful or a huge bomb.  As we were standing in the check-out, Becca spotted a beef jerky and a bag of trail mix, each costing $1.00.  Well, she just HAD to have them!  She threw both items on the belt.  She asked if I could buy them and she'd pay me from her bike money when we got home.  Well, naturally I said no.  You'll never raise the money for your bike at this rate, I noted. 

This was not going to cut the mustard in her mind.  I lost count of the number of times she asked, pleaded, cajoled, and whined during the visit...but I think a hundred is in the right ball park.  Add to this the HUGE lines at WalMart, the two phone calls I got while in line, and trying to make sure I paid with the right card, and you've got a very upset Mom!!!  Finally, I asked the cashier to remove the items from the belt (this got her HACKED), we finished up, and Becca and I sat on a bench to talk.

I was so angry and frustrated at the scene I felt she'd caused.  Over and over, I tried to explain why she couldn't spend the money on these little items when she was trying to save for a bigger prize down the road.  I couldn't understand why she'd become so fixated on these little things, things that would be gone in a matter of minutes.  And then it hit me, the little voice that I'd tried so hard to block out had knocked down a door in my mind in order to be heard.

"Why should she listen to you, when you do this to yourself all the time??"  OUCH.

And what could I say to that?  Why was it okay for me to sabotage my long-term goal (which so happens to be about 100 pounds) for a few items I had fixed my attention to, items that would not benefit me in the least, items that would be gone in a matter of minutes?  Why was I so easily able to rationalize skipping a workout or indulging in a treat instead of working harder towards this goal of losing weight and feeling better physically?

Mentally, I answered back the way I feel any other mature adult would...because!!!! That's why!!!  Add the very mature eye roll here.  Or later, and more accurately, I acknowledged....I don't know.  Both are answers that my kids use frequently.  Both seem to make perfect sense to them.  I didn't fully get it, until this afternoon.

I realized that my habits and actions do not just affect me...my kids are watching.  I knew they were...I just didn't think they were watching as closely as they truly are.  And they don't even realize it...and that worries me.  And that inspires me to want to change.

And it got me to thinking: for a long time, I've felt like I have to hide my weight issue.  Maybe if I conceal it and don't talk too much about it, maybe people won't notice.  Maybe it won't be there.  But if my kids can so easily pick up on little habits and tendencies that I've worked to hide away...then maybe this weight issue is more obvious to everyone around me than I could ever have imagined.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.  I guess it's along the lines of saying, "I never knew I was that big," when you were probably in that spot for quite a long time and kept trying to hide it.  Well now I've reached a point where I really have no choice but to deal with it, to talk about it, to seek out some help.  And maybe that's okay.

I promise that this whole blog won't be about this Physical Well-Being wrung of the wheel--there's a whole lot more to it than that.  This part, however, seems to need to most attention...even though I'm learning that is rarely operates alone.  By starting here, I can hopefully start to build equity in each of the areas I'm lacking...and that is definitely, definitely something worth saving up for.