Who am I KIDDING?? (Part Two)

The answer to that last, painful question is no.  No, he's not wrong at all.

And THAT, I think, was the hardest part of this boot camp experience.  While his approach was tough, much tougher than I've experienced, he was not incorrect.  That's got me messed up right now. 

This wrung of my Wholeness Wheel has been crippled for a long time.  It is so hard for me to battle, for many reasons.  First, there's so much history behind it that even the benefits you reap don't always satisfy.  Proof positive--at the store this afternoon, I sooo badly wanted to get a bag of hot chips.  We ate these all the time when I was younger and I love them.  Had I gotten them, I would have polished off the entire bag.  I have many historically significant food attachments, and each one is a battle.  Relatives and times in my life that I miss get reincarnated by food at the slightest emotional dip.  And no, we're not talking carrots and yogurt, either.  We're talking cinnamon toast, pasties (short "a" sound), and a variety of breads as far as the eye can see.

Second, I am a very visual person, and just seeing a large spread is enough to do me in.  I can have pristine intentions, and in some cases a game plan, and it doesn't matter.  Remember "if you build it, they will come?"  For me, if it's available, it's a problem.  Example: at our kids' VBS cookout last night, I went way overboard.  I felt like I had to eat a lot, simply because it was available.

Third, and foremost, I let life get in my way and I don't feel I'm worthy of anything different.  Here's my subconscious monologue: I'm too stressed to plan ahead.  I'm worn out and overwhelmed so I should get to comfort myself.  I have to take care of my kids before myself, so what I do doesn't matter.  I'm not worthy of success anyway, right??

For so long, I've used all of these as excuses.  And yes, at some points in my life I did need these crutches to get by, because they were truly all I had to keep me going.  I'm not in that place anymore...but these things became habit and didn't get the memo that I'd moved on with my life.  Well, there's the rub: I guess I didn't really move on with my life yet.  And that's why today has been so difficult.

I'm not sure what's going to happen from here...but I know that this experience has brought me to a huge crossroads.  Will I fight through the pain and the tears and the anger and really move on?  How can I let myself stay where I'm at, knowing what I now know?  Feeling what I now feel?

If it's any indication, my husband is making me go back to the next boot camp.  So, I guess the question has been answered for me this time.  I know I'll be thankful for his help, and Wendy's and Becca's.  Maybe not today, when I'm so sore.  But I will be thankful.