Deal Me In

Tonight I am sitting in the cafe area of our church, not awaiting my call to stage but instead serving as stage mom. My daughter is part of a dance team called the Shining Lights. They used to serve just as a ministry of our church but they have since branched out and are now part of a not-for-profit group. For the next two weeks they are dancing as part of a Christmas musical our church puts on, called Let it Be Christmas. Come check it out (www.communitychristian.org)!!

While I just love watching my little girl dance (she has a grace about her that can't be taught), it is so much harder to be a stage mom than to actually be on stage yourself! The role of Stage Mom is not one that comes naturally to me, so it takes a lot of thought and organization. If it helps my daughter to better be able to share her gifts, I will survive.

One of the keys to dance, as with music and so many other things, is that you can't do it half-way. You perform with not just your feet or your voice but with your heart and spirit, otherwise it's not as genuine, not as good of an experience for you or the audience. That's one of the things I love about watching my daughter dance--she's all in...and it is beautiful. I tear up every time, and I pray I continue to do so forever.

I used to be very good at putting myself all in, I think...and then life happened. Every setback or perceived failure made me less and less willing to put myself out there. It's too risky, I thought, too scary.

I came to this realization while playing Solitaire on my phone recently. The app I like to use allows you a certain number of cheats each game. You can choose to have the computer find the aces for you, move the cards over a space, shuffle the deck, or undo your last move. Much of the time, if I don't get the cards that I want, or I don't feel the game is going my way, I'll quit and start over, eve though I could have used the cheats and simply tried my hand. I don't take the time to try, to press on with the game and see where the deck falls.

And then, it hit me: If I don't have the patience to follow through and be all in with a computer version of Solitaire, how will I ever be able to be all in with real-life things, scary things with real consequences and outcomes??

Since then I've tried to complete more games of Solitaire than I quit, with the hope that it will translate to my bigger goals. I think it's already had some effect: it's helping me to get my fight back, to press on even when it's tough and I'm not comfortable. Currently I'm sick with bronchitis and laryngitis, which is tanking me on the exercise front. But I'm not giving up. I know that this too will pass, and I'll continue to move forward.

Not with perfection, but with persistence.