A quick note to KB--thanks for your email. I'm sorry I haven't responded...even though it's been forever since you sent it. I appreciate it very much and I will write back. Soon.
Not long ago I pulled out the movie You've Got Mail, with the dynamic duo of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. I love that movie, for many reasons, and I've watched it more times than I would ever admit. The title of the last post I wrote is a spoof on that movie, and very fittingly, today's post is a quotation from that film that has been stuck in my head these last few weeks.
The scene in which this line occurs is a little hard to explain--suffice it to say that Hanks has upset Ryan, which caused her to act out of character, and he is trying to relieve her of any blame and apologize for his actions. One of the last things he says is "the fault is mine."
That line has weighed on me since then, and it's really got me thinking about my life and the struggles I feel like I'm facing. I don't know that I've ever really admitted the role I play in many of these issues. Oh sure, I'm good at looking outside myself, and I'm good at attempting to find a solution. A friend of mine commented this week, after being in my house for a bit, about all the "attempts" I've made at things. All are well-meant, and to an extent all of these attempts would probably bring some level of success to what I was doing...if I hadn't abandoned them prematurely to pursue something else that surely works better.
In all the searching for a better solution, I've gotten myself into a true place of confusion, of feeling lost and not sure where to look. Yet there's still this part of me that's driving to find THE answer to my problems, the trick or tool or gimmick that will solve everything and steer me down the right path.
With all the finger pointing I do, I've not taken the time to point the thumb. Sure, I've thrown the punching bag to beat myself up. I've used glaring eyes to see that I'll never feel good enough. I've looked out and about, instead of in...and up.
Pointing the thumb, I'm realizing, isn't about beating myself up or admonishing my obvious insecurities. That is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with and thrown out. Rather, pointing the thumb is admitting that I've set myself here, forgiving myself for whatever caused this to start in the past (when some of these things were necessary coping mechanisms), learning that I can change the course of my future, and setting a goal to move forward in a good direction.
Now, that does not mean that I'm at fault for everything, either. There were events going on in my life and caused a reaction, or a need to protect myself, and I acknowledge that. Those events have shaped who I am today. But to continue using coping mechanisms that are no longer needed is a bad choice, and that's on me. It's like listening to the dial-up modems they had in You've Got Mail. These old strategies of mine are outdated, and they will not help me to be what I'm meant to be in the future.
My small group leader said something that really stuck with me. He said that people will reach a point where they hit bottom with something they are dealing with...but they get to choose their own bottom. We can decide that this is as bad as we will let things get. You mean, I have a choice? I have the choice? I can decide that this is where I will draw the line?
I can...because I play a part in the situation (the fault is mine), I get to say where the bottom stops. And I choose to go up from there.
Because, the fault is mine.
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